It is always darkest before the dawn...

This quote has been running through my mind a lot lately as I have been reminding myself that God not only guides us through our darkest night, but that He also promises a brighter tomorrow. Sometimes that "tomorrow" doesn't come as quickly as we would like, but it does come and I have been holding onto that promise. Our "tomorrow" came yesterday in a phone call from the social worker saying that....(are you sitting down?)...Jordan's mom was again requesting us to adopt him! This phone call was something that we knew was possible, but had decided to put out of our minds. We wanted to begin healing from the whole painful ordeal and knew that holding onto that hope was not going to help the process. So, needless to say, when the phone call came, I was shocked! After rushing around to prepare for a sub and to again prepare our home, I was able to hold baby Jordan again. That moment is something that I will never forget!

This morning we headed off to the adoption agency to wait for the word that the adoption papers had been signed. The moment we found out that the papers were signed was one of pure, God-given joy! I am obviously going to have my hands wonderfully full for awhile, so it may be awhile before I can post again. But, until then, join us in praising God for our beautiful miracle and even more importantly, praying for the beautiful, strong woman who loved her child enough to let him go. She has a long, painful journey of healing ahead of her and we are committed to praying her through that journey.

To close, I am attaching some pictures from our joyful reunion. Welcome to your forever family, Jordan Kade. You have already brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined!

Prayers of Blessing for Baby Jordan

I know that many of you are curious about how the rest of our story played out yesterday and I will try to share that with you at some point. But, tonight, my mind is still struggling to put all of the details together in a comprehensible way. I will say, though, that we have felt and are OVERWHELMED by the prayers and support from our family and friends. Healing is definitely happening and our hope is returning. God has been using His people to bring us comfort and we are thankful for each and every one of you! For now, I wanted to share one of the blessings and prayers that we left Jordan with yesterday morning. The reason I am picking this one to share with you is because when I finished reading it, little Jordan had a smile on his face. (I know some of you may argue that it was gas, but I choose to believe that it was a smile!)

"Jordan, I want nothing more than for you to always keep God's word, live in His truth, and fulfill His purpose for your life. May you live in all the goodness that God has for you. May you be perfected by His love and life flowing through you. May you learn to rely not on your own strength so that you grow weary, but rather lean on the Lord's strength so that you are renewed in His presence. May you always trust His working in your life (1 John 2:5).

Lord, may a healthy fear and knowledge of You be the foundation upon which Jordan builds his life and future. May he turn to You for all decisions so that he doesn't make poor choices. Help him to see that all the treasures of wisdom are hidden in You and that You give them freely when we ask for them. As he seeks guidance from you over the years, Lord, pour it liberally upon him so that all his paths will be peace filled, his life will be blessed, and his future will be bright." (Stormie Omartian)

Jordan may have only been in our arms for three days, but he will remain in our hearts and in our prayers for the rest of our lives. We are so thankful to God for giving Jordan to the world and for allowing us to share in a small part of his life. May God bless you, baby Jordan, and your family with stability, peace, and love as begin your life together. We will always love you...

Hour 80

I have already shared the lyrics to these songs, but I wanted to share some links to them as well. They are bringing me peace this morning as I wait...along with the peaceful breathing of the beautiful angel sleeping beside me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIkQ7YVys_A

Day 3

Day three started on a hopeful, incredibly peaceful note. The social worker stopped by to say that the birth mom was still at peace with her decision and that she was considering opening the adoption more. This was something that Seth and I were actually hoping for as our experience so far has proven that as hard as it can sometimes be for the adoptive parents, open adoptions tend to be very healing for the birth moms. As much as I was trying to fight it, this talk left me feeling pretty confident. I finally started imagining our life with this little guy. I spent the morning dreaming of all the experiences that our finally complete family would have. I knew that I should still be hesitant, but was having trouble fighting the excitement. Then, 2:30 came and the phone rang. Jen was calling to tell me that the nurse had contacted her with concerns about the birth mom. The birth mom was very emotional (which is of course to be expected!) and was wavering on her decision. When the social worker called the birth mom, she immediately told her that she couldn't go through with the adoption plan. The social worker listened and talked with her for quite awhile. From what I understand, it sounds like she is getting a lot of pressure from her teenage daughter to keep the baby, but the birth dad is still on board with the adoption plan. The birth mom finally agreed to go home and sleep on it, which means that we will not know anything either way until tomorrow morning. This phone call was obviously very unexpected and has left me feeling very overwhelmed. I really am not sure what to do with my emotions right now. On one hand, my heart is breaking for the birth mom. I just can't imagine the pain that she is feeling right now. On the other hand, I am experiencing emotional pain so intense that I am actually physically ill. I told Seth that I am pretty sure it is humanly impossible to not become attached to a baby that you have spent several days with. This little guy captured my heart the moment I saw him and my love for him has been growing ever since. My heart hurts for him and the confusion he has already experienced in his first few days on earth. I realize that up to this point this all may sound a bit focused on my pain, but the cry of my heart at this point is ultimately for him...not for me. I am praying for peace to fill him and for God to bless his future with secure relationships and unconditional love. I know that God is faithful, but I also know that humans have free will and the decision is up to the birth mom. There is nothing we can do but wait it out. While we wait, though, we will continue to pour out love on this precious baby. We are going to embrace the time that God has given with him. If nothing else, we can leave knowing that the first three days of this little guy's life weren't spent in a lonely nursery...they were spent in the arms of two people who were committed to showing God's love to him.

Update

Thursday night at 9:58, a miracle was born. Since then, Seth and I have been thrown back onto the rollercoaster ride of emotions that comes with the 72-hour wait after the baby is born. This experience has already been completely different than our experience with Brayden. Since this is a closed adoption, we had to wait to come to the hospital until after the birth mom signed a temporary custody release for the agency. Saying it was hard to wait to see the precious little guy seems like such an understatement, but we survived! Since then, we have been able to spend most of the time with him. There have been some stressful moments here and there, though. Most of the stress has come from a change in plans. Initially, the birth mom didn’t want to see the baby at all, but changed her mind last night. Times away from him are becoming increasingly difficult as our minds are filled with unsettling questions. A huge part of me is thankful that she has decided to meet him. I truly believe that if she decides to place, meeting him will be more healing than the alternative. The problem is that there is a small part of me (that sometimes doesn’t seem so small!) that is very uncomfortable with the impact that meeting him can have on her decision. This in turn makes me feel selfish. It is sometimes hard for me to remember that we actually have it pretty easy compared to the weight of the decision that the birth mom is carrying with her. Please join us in keep praying for her and for this precious little guy!

To close, I really don’t have much more to report at this point. My mind is pretty tired and I am having trouble putting thoughts together in a way that makes sense to all of you! I forgot how many emotions an adoption can make you feel all at one time…love, excitement, and hope coupled with a wall of defensive fear. Thanks to all of you who are praying. Through all of the emotions, thoughts, and questions, God is setting an undertone of peace through the words of a favorite song that keep running through my mind…

“Let the Waters Rise”
By
MikesChair

Don’t know where to begin,
It’s like my world’s caving in,
And I try but I can’t control my fear,
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it’s so hard to pray,
When you feel so far away.
But, I am willing to go where you want me to.
God, I trust you.

There’s a raging sea,
Right in front of me.
Wants to pull me in,
Bring me to my knees.
So let the waters rise,
If you want them to.
I will follow you.
I will follow you.

I will swim in the deep,
‘Cuz you’ll be next to me,
You’re in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea.
You’re never out of reach.

God, you know where I’ve been.
You were there with me then.
You were faithful before,
You’ll be faithful again.
I’m holding your hand.

God your love is enough.
You will pull me through.
I’m holding onto you.
God your love is enough,
I will follow you.
I will follow you.

Waiting, Chapter 2

Several weeks ago, we were again matched with a birth mom. My emotions since then can best be described as a mixture of hope, fear, and love. My first emotion after the phone call was restored hope. To be honest, I was starting to fear that God may not have another child for us. This was frustrating because even though we were beyond blessed with the adoption of Brayden, I just didn’t feel like our family was complete yet. As a result, hearing that God had found us another little one was beyond exciting. I’m pretty sure that nothing could have wiped the smile off my face that day! Initially, I had decided that I was just going to be excited about this possibility and deal with the pain of a disrupted placement if the time came. This actually worked well…for awhile anyway. I excitedly bought clothes, baby supplies, organized the nursery, and started planning for a long-term substitute. This all kept me busy and thus kept my mind occupied. However, now I am ready, which means that I have time to think. Slowly, the fear is creeping in as we wait for the phone call that the birth mom is in labor. The feelings from our last failed adoption are coming back and bringing unnerving questions along with them. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we have to go through this all over again? Can I handle losing another little one? Obviously, I don’t have the answers to these questions yet. My only option is to wait it out, but thankfully I don’t have to wait alone. I am finding peace in the fact that God is with us and will continue to guide our family on our adoption journey. As hard as this all may be, I know that God will continue to provide the patience, wisdom, and understanding that we need. I also trust that He is preparing our family for another little one and that in His perfect timing, we will finally meet. The final emotion that I mentioned above is the one that is making the wait more bearable. It seems that the longer we wait, the more my love for our future child grows. One of my initial fears with adoption was that the absence of a child growing in me would result in an absence of the motherly love and instincts that tend to grow right along with a baby. This fear was diminished when we adopted Brayden and I found that my love for him was just as strong as if I had carried him for nine months. In addition, along with that love came a deep sense of appreciation for the gift of motherhood…a gift that many easily and understandably take for granted.

To close, I am sure that I will continue carrying this mixture of emotions with me as I await our new blessing. Until the time to meet comes, though, I am finding peace in knowing that our little one is safe in arms of Jesus. Hold on, precious…mommy, daddy, and Brayden are counting down the days until we can hold you and show you how much we love you!

Tonight, we received news that the little girl we were selected to adopt is staying with her birth mommy. In all honesty, I am not sure how to feel right now. There are so many emotions that are fighting each other, along with a really loud, annoying voice telling me to suck it up. Thankfully, this year God has brought people into my life that have been teaching me that it is okay to experience emotions. I have come to realize that when I don’t take the time to experience my emotions, they come back later much uglier and often hurt the people I love. Despite this realization, though, I continue to struggle with working through my emotions. Why does it seem easier to brush them off? The only answer that I can come up with is simply other people. I don’t want to come across as an overly dramatic, pessimistic person. I would rather wear the mask of the strong Christian who never doubts God or His plans for me. Tonight, however, I am going to fight that voice that is telling me to shove and I am going to do what is the most healing for me-write through my emotions. So, here goes.

Right now, I am...
Angry-This is the scariest emotion because I feel so guilty being angry with God. The truth is, though, that I am mad and that He can handle that. I am most upset that God brought a potential adoption into our lives that just happened to fall on the same due date as my sister and sister-in-law. As dangerous as I knew this thinking was, I honestly thought that it was meant to be just because of that! Three little girls due on the same day in the same family? That just had to be a God thing! However, I am now feeling like it was just a cruel coincidence.
Scared-I don’t want to go through this again. To put it bluntly, the past week has been AWFUL! Patience is a virtue that I ran out of on Tuesdayish. It has been so hard to have our lives in limbo…preparing for a new little one while simultaneously guarding my heart against the knowledge that it could all fall through. The thought of doing this again (and possibly again and again) is enough to make me feel ill right now.
Jealous-yes, that ugly j word! This week, I had the joy of experiencing the birth of my niece and am looking forward to the birth of Becca’s little miracle as well. As I watched the joyful aftermath of Bella’s birth in the waiting room, though, I did have some pain creeping in. I saw for the first time how having a baby is supposed to be. I realized that the knowledge that the child that has been born is all yours and that you will be taking it home 2 to 3 days later is something that we will never experience. The hospital will never be a joyful experience for us. Instead, it was and will be overwhelmingly stressful.
Guilty-I know that as hard as this has been for me, it has been ten times harder for the birth mom. I can’t even imagine the amount of stress and pain she has been experiencing the past 9 months. (Please continue to pray for her and her precious little one.) Because of this, I don’t feel like I even have a right to be upset.
Hopeful-Finally, in the midst of all of this pain, I do feel an undercurrent of peace and hope. It is a small undercurrent, but it is there. I still trust that God has a little one in mind for us and understand that we just aren’t ready for each other yet.

So, there they are…all of the emotions that I am experiencing right now. Along with these emotions is that voice of rationalization that is telling me that everything is going to be okay, that this just wasn’t meant to be, that we will have another little one someday, that I am being too dramatic about this, and that I was foolish for letting myself get excited in the first place. As important as I know that voice probably is, I am thinking that for tonight I am going to tell it to shut-up. Instead, I am going to go kiss my precious little boy and then, I am going to let myself cry.

The Wait

While I'm Waiting
By
John Waller

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You, Lord and I am hopeful.
I'm waiting on You, Lord.
Though it is painful, patiently I will wait.

I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience.

While I'm waiting, I will serve You.
While I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm waiting, I will not faint.
I'll be running the race even while I wait.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You, Lord and I am peaceful.
I'm waiting on You, Lord.
Though it's not easy, but faithfully I will wait.
Yes, I will wait

We may be expecting...

a second little one! Last week we received a call from the adoption agency telling us that we had been chosen by a birthmom. The birthmom is due on August 11…the same day that my sister and sister-in-law are due! Do you have goose bumps yet? I get them every time I think about it!

Just as with Brayden’s adoption, this is a time in our lives when we are again requesting lots of prayers. We especially ask for your prayers for the birthmom as she deals with the stress and pain that comes with making this decision. We met with her yesterday and she was understandably very overwhelmed. Her mother has offered to take the baby, so she has a lot to work through in the next few weeks. We also request prayers for safety and peace for her little one. Please pray that God would give the birth mom the wisdom to make the best decision for her and for her baby…even if that doesn’t include us! As with our last experience, I am finding that my biggest source of pain in all of this is a heart that is breaking for the birth mom. I can’t even imagine what she must be going through! Finally, we ask for prayers as we are preparing for our new little one, whoever or wherever he or she may be! This is bringing back a lot of “uncomfortable” feelings that I forgot about after Brayden’s adoption was finalized. (Even though I have no experience with childbirth, I imagine that it is a bit like forgetting the pain of labor after the baby is born!) We know now that the emotions are just part of the adoption package and that they will, in God’s time, result in indescribable joy. But, they are still there and we are again working through them!

To close, thank you for joining with us on this second chapter of our adoption journey. Your prayers, your support, and your love are so very much appreciated! I will do my best to keep you all updated. (I have to admit that I am finding it harder to do that with a one year old this time around!:-))

To my little one,

Welcome to the incredible journey that God has our family on! Last May, God blessed us with the birth and adoption of your big brother, Brayden. Brayden has brought us more joy than we have ever known and has been teaching us so much about what it means to love unconditionally. When we look back on our journey to Bray, we are still and will probably always be amazed at what God has done for us!

Soon after the finalization of Brayden’s adoption, I sensed that God wasn’t done with our family yet. While we always knew that we would adopt again, we didn’t realize how soon God would knock on the door of our hearts a second time. Fortunately, this time around, it didn’t take me nearly as long to realize that He was and continues to be preparing us for YOU! You have been on my heart and in my thoughts so much throughout the past few months and I am finding it impossible to describe how much I love you already!

Sometimes it is so frustrating that I don’t know the details or the timing of your adoption. Just as it was with Brayden, though, we know that God is preparing us for each other and we trust that His timing will again be perfect. We truly can’t wait until the day we can hold you in our arms. But, until then, we will trust you in the arms of our precious Father.

To close, we are praying for protection, love, and peace to surround both you and your birth mommy. God is still at work in writing our family’s story and we are so excited to meet the final piece of our happily ever after! Grow in peace, my little one, knowing that you are already unconditionally loved.

Love and prayers,
Mommy

Our Adoption Journey, Chapter 2

The adoption bug has bit us again…already! In the past few months, Seth and I have been discussing when to pursue our second (and final?) adoption. Ideally, of course, we would wait for 2 to 3 years for our second child. However, as adoptive parents, we have some reasons why that is not necessarily the best option. The main reason is that our home study is set to be renewed next March. Even though we have heard that renewing a home study isn’t nearly as stressful as starting from scratch, it would still require redoing quite a bit of things. In addition, it would be an additional expense on top of the other adoption fees. Despite these reasons, though, Seth and I had still decided to hold off on our second adoption until we recovered financially from Brayden’s adoption. In addition, we wanted to be sure that we were building a strong enough attachment and relationship with Brayden. The mistake in this decision, however, was that we forgot to include God and His plan for our family in the process. Seriously, did we learn nothing on our journey to adopt Bray? :-) Soon after being okay with our decision, God dropped several possibilities for adoption into our lap. This caused us to begin rethinking our decision and reminded us to add prayer into any future decisions. Our biggest obstacle, of course, was still finances. While I know that if it is meant to happen God will provide, I still had a lot of worries. The last thing that we wanted to do was to jump into an adoption that we can’t afford, so I decided to schedule a meeting with our financial advisor. After talking with him yesterday, we got the “go ahead.” Wow! Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to hear that! I thought that it would be the meeting that would close the door on any adoptions in the near future. It is looking as if God wants us to move forward with this, though. So……here we go again! Despite some lingering fears, I am excited to be on this journey again. God, the author of our family story, is still at work and we are looking forward to what He has in store for the three of us! I, of course, will keep all of you updated throughout this next chapter in our journey. Prayers for wisdom and clarity would be greatly appreciated at this point!

Abundantly Blessed

We made it! At about 1:30 this afternoon, we finalized Brayden's adoption, which means he is now ours...forever! I can't even begin to describe how wonderful I feel. When the magistrate told us we were officially Brayden's parents, tears of joy (and relief!) flooded my eyes and I have had a smile on my face ever since! As I reflect on these weeks leading to Bray's finalization, I am realizing that, if nothing else, they have made me even more thankful for him. God is SO good! As I close, I want to again say THANKS SO MUCH to all of you who have been praying us through this. Your prayers have been felt and very much appreciated! Below are some pictures from our hearing this afternoon...enjoy!

Sealing the adoption certificate.

Brayden is officially a Miller!

Quick Update

I don't have much energy left in me tonight, but I did want to post quickly to keep you all updated. On Saturday night, I got a message from Mommy T telling us that she and her mom are paying for the paternity test and that she was going to call the "DNA place" on Monday to schedule an appointment. She ended by saying that she would let us know the date they scheduled and that after the paternity was established, we would "work on setting up visitations" for the birthdad. This message left me confused for several reasons. 1. I didn't know the birthmom could set up a paternity test for the birthdad. (I thought we didn't have to do anything until we got court orders for the test.) 2. I don't know what her motive is for spending all of that money (when she is already struggling to make it with 3 children of her own) for a test for the birthdad. and 3. I am not sure what she meant by visitations. After speaking with our social worker, we found out that she likely will be denied the test without the father present and that if we make it past the finalization without the adoption being postponed, visitations will be up to us. We really aren't one hundred percent sure about all of this, though, since we haven't been able to talk to our lawyer. So, at this point, we continue waiting.

In closing, I know that this post is showing my frustration and for that I apologize. I still care deeply for Mommy T and know that she isn't intending to cause us this much pain. I also am still very empathetic towards the birthdad. We are by no means opposed to a paternity test or even visits with him. He definitely deserves to know if he is Brayden's father. As I said earlier, though, we are just confused about the motives. Does he just want visits or does he still want Brayden? We are also confused about Mommy T's motive. I know that she has regretted giving up Brayden and I want to trust that she isn't using the birthdad to get Brayden back. But, my anxiety is currently getting the better of me! So, I ask that you all keep praying. Pray especially for Mommy T since she is still struggling so much with giving Brayden up for adoption. She still has a lot of healing ahead of her and my heart still breaks for her. Please also pray for wisdom for Seth and I. And, of course, pray for Bray. I never knew love for someone could run as deep as ours does for him. The thought of losing him still brings me to immediate tears (and nausea!), but I am trying to fight dwelling on the worst case scenario. I know it doesn't sound like it tonight, but we are still trusting Him in God's hands. He has been there all along and we are adamant about keeping our trust in the One who gave him to us.

No News is Good News

I have had several people asking me for updates and, unfortunately, I really don't have much of one. Right now, we are just waiting (and praying) it out until December 3rd. As long as we don't get court orders for a paternity test before then, we will be able to finalize the adoption. (Even if we do get them, we may still be able to finalize. We will deal with that if/when we get there, though.) At that point, the adoption agency told us that the chance of any lawyer even taking the birthfather's case is slim to none.

On a positive note, all of your prayers are definitely working. I am so much more at peace about this than I was a week ago! As someone told me yesterday, this is our Isaac moment and we need to trust God with our Brayden. I definitely have my moments of fear and anxiety, but they are becoming fewer as I again learn to "let go and let God."

In closing, thanks SO much to all of you for your support, love, prayers, and encouragement. We are truly blessed and are thankful we don't have to go through this alone. Until my next update, we will continue waiting...and trusting...and praying.

Life is short and sometimes tragic, and each day we are reminded of our finiteness. We don't know the future, we don't know the relationship between events, and we certainly don't know why.
But, we do know that God is good and all-knowing...nothing catches Him by surprise. So, even as we wonder and question the reason and cause for each event, we can be confident that God knows and that in everything, even in the senseless tragedy, He is working.
~Dale Veerman

Another Valley

If most of you are like I was, one of your first emotions when you hear of an adoption is joy. Adoption is an incredible gift that brings countless blessings to so many people who would otherwise be childless, or in the case of the child, parentless. Yes, adoption does bring tremendous joy. But, I am learning that it brings quite a bit of pain as well. Along with the obvious joys, every adoption involves losses that we often overlook. The birthmom, birthfather, and their families are all losing a member of their family. In addition, the child is losing his/her birthfamily. God is teaching me that it is important to be sensitive to the grief that an adoption brings, particularly to the birthparents and the child. Up to this point, I have been working on being compassionate towards one part of that equation...Mommy T. My heart breaks for her when I think of what she must be dealing with as she continues to heal from "losing" Brayden. However, I really didn't think much about the birthfather since all we that had heard was that he originally wanted Brayden to be aborted. We thought that he simply did not want anything to do with Brayden. We learned this weekend that our understanding of that situation was wrong, though. Mommy T told us that Brayden's dad has decided that he wants Brayden and will, in her words, "do everything it takes to get him." This news was understandably shocking, unexpected, and heartbreaking. In fact, the tears really haven't stopped since I finished talking to her. Looking beyond myself, though, God is showing me how painful this must all be for the father as well. At this point, he is facing the reality that his firstborn child is with another family and he is missing the opportunity to have a relationship with him. That has to be a hard pill to swallow. I can understand the pain of potentially losing a child who you love so much. (In fact, we are now in that same position!) However, I have to admit that I am still angry with him. I have to wonder, where has he been and if he wanted to be a dad, why didn't he let Mommy T know before now? Along with this question, I have to wonder who God has in mind to be Brayden's "real" parents. I know that I didn't give birth to Brayden, but I still feel that I am very much his mother. I have dried the tears, changed the diapers, and spent sleepless nights holding my little one when he just couldn't sleep. Even more important than that, though, I have fallen in love with the little guy. Just like every other parent, I have hopes and dreams for him. I spend countless hours looking forward to all that we will share as a family. I look forward to the joy, the laughter, and even the hard times since I know they will draw us closer. There is not even an emotion that can begin to describe what losing him would do to me.

So, with all of this being said, I am left with what to do with all of this pain that everyone is experiencing. How does God want me to handle this? How do I look beyond my own pain in a way that still protects Brayden? Unfortunately, at this point, we have been told that there really isn't much that we can physically do. According to the lawyer, it is a waiting game. Until the adoption is finalized (in 31 loooong days), we really don't have any rights and even then, the father could still fight the adoption. I feel helpless and exhausted thinking of the long days we have ahead of us. As a friend reminded me tonight, though, I am not completely helpless. The one thing I can do is pray for everyone involved. I don't even necessarily know what to pray for at this point, but that is what I will be doing through the next 31 days.

Last Sunday, Seth and I publicly surrendered Brayden's life to the one who blessed us with him. I never imagined that promise would be tested this soon or in this way, but I fully intend to keep my promise. Brayden is in God's hands and has been there all along. I just have to learn to trust him there!

In closing, as much as I hate to do this, I ask for your prayers. Please pray for us, for Mommy T, and for the birthdad (yes, it may sound crazy, but please pray for him...he really is going through a difficult time!). Most importantly, though, pray for our Brayden. I will keep you all updated...

PS I have to apologize if this post seems to jump all over. There is so much information and emotions rolling around in my brain that it is hard to get it written down in an understandable way!

Protect or Prepare?

Well, it happened. The dreaded "N" word reared it's ugly head in my little one's direction. I knew it was coming again. I just didn't expect it so soon. (This was unfortunately not the first time, but it was the first one that was spoken to my face.) I have to admit I was not proud of my response. However, I'm still not sure what my response should have been. At the time, I simply stood there with my mouth hanging open. Later, the anger came, quickly followed by an intense urge to protect my precious little one from such ignorance and hatred. After a few days of thinking through the situation, though, I wonder if protecting is really the best thing I can do for Brayden. I understand the desire to protect since I am pretty sure that it is standard issue for all moms (and dads). However, I have to face the reality that I can't protect Brayden from racism for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, there is an abundance of ignorance and hatred in the world around us. So, as his mom, what do I do? After a lot of thought, I have decided that protection probably isn't the key, preparation is. As his parents, Seth and I have the responsibility to teach Brayden how to handle racism with grace, love, and a confidence in who he is as a child of God. How this is going to happen, I am not yet sure of...especially since the first part of teaching him how to do this will require us to model such a response! I really can't say how I will react when this happens again. At this point, though, I will just have to rest in the peace that I won't have to handle it alone the next time around.

Quick Update

Brayden continues to be the greatest joy of our lives. I never knew it was possible to love someone as much as I love this little guy! To those of you who check my blog regularly, I apologize for taking so long to update! I don't have much time, but I will take the time to upload some pictures since I had some requests for them.:-)

There is a time for everything...

....and I am learning that right now is not a time for cleaning! As those of you closest to me already know, I am quite the perfectionist. I admit that this is not one of my better qualities and because of it, one of my main struggles lately has been giving up my unrealistic need to have a spotless house. I just don't have the time for that much housework anymore and it has been stressing me out. Fortunately, we have a very wise God who led me to a reading that put everything in perspective. I wanted to share it with all of you...especially those of you with young children! It's called "My Son Grows Up."

My hands were busy through the day,
I didn't have much time to play
the little games you asked me to.
When you'd bring your teddy bear
and ask me please to share your fun,
I'd say: "A little later son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
and hear your prayers, turn out the light.
Then tiptoe softly to the door...
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.
For life is short, the years rush past...
a little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
his precious secrets to confide.
The teddy bears are put away,
there are no longer games to play,
no good-night kisses, no prayers to hear...
that all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
Now, I wish I could go back and do
the little things you asked me to.
~Author Unknown

I am so thankful for this poem because it immediately convicted me to spend less time on the house and more time with my precious little one. He is already growing up so fast! In the future, I truly hope that Brayden can look back on his childhood and see a mom who had time to play and cherish every moment with him.

So, to close, I apologize in advance to those of you who come over in the next 18 years or so because my house will NOT be spotless.:-)

A "Real" Mom

In our three short months with Brayden, we have had some crazy questions and comments. My personal favorite was when a lady asked me, "where did you get one like that?" Even though I wanted to be sarcastic and say something like, "at K-mart, he was a blue light special," I resisted. Instead, I just smiled and told her that we had adopted him. The comment that has impacted me the most, though, was when I was told that I was not a "real" mom. In his eyes, the boy who made this comment just didn't believe that anyone could be a "real" mom without actually getting pregnant and having a baby. Instead, he told me that I was more like a step-mom or a long-term baby-sitter. (I should note that this comment came from a 13 year old boy, who in no way meant to hurt me and I do not hold this against him! He simply doesn't fully understand adoption.) After initially shrugging the comment off, the conversation came back to me and brought with it a mix of emotions. I, of course, know that I am a "real" mom, but was faced again with the reality that Brayden really has two moms. I have always said and firmly believe that Brayden has room in his heart to love more than one mom, but this comment made me realize that I hadn't made peace with that fact yet. Even though, Mommy T is such an incredible person who loves Brayden and I am so thankful that she wants to be a part of his life, I have to admit that this comment left me struggling with the selfish want to be his only mom. This selfishness really made me quite mad at myself, especially since Brayden isn't really "mine" anyway. After a few days, I finally decided to take all of this to God (why does it always take me so long??) and as He always does, He led me to something that brought me peace. The poem is called, "Legacy of an Adopted Child."



Once there were two women

who didn't know each other.

One you do not remember.

The other, you call mother.



Two different lives shaped your one.

One became your guiding star.

The other became your sun.



The first gave you life,

and the second taught you to live in it.

The first gave you the need for love,

and the second was there to give it.



One gave you a nationality.

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent.

The other gave you an aim.



One gave you emotions.

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile.

The other dried your tears.



One gave you up-it was all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child,

and God led her straight to you.



And now you ask me through your tears,

the age-old question through the years:

Heredity or environment-which are you the product of?

Neither, my Darling, neither.

Just two different kinds of love!



~Author Unknown



After reading his poem, I was once again thankful for Mommy T. God used the poem to remind me that without her, I wouldn't even have a son. Through God's leading, her love and unselfishness brought Brayden into our lives. Really, it is the least that we can do to share our little boy with the one who brought him into this world! No, we are not a typical family and I am not a typical mom. But, now I can say in all honesty that I really wouldn't want it any other way!

Brayden with Mommy T at the hospital.

May 29, 2009