Abundantly Blessed

We made it! At about 1:30 this afternoon, we finalized Brayden's adoption, which means he is now ours...forever! I can't even begin to describe how wonderful I feel. When the magistrate told us we were officially Brayden's parents, tears of joy (and relief!) flooded my eyes and I have had a smile on my face ever since! As I reflect on these weeks leading to Bray's finalization, I am realizing that, if nothing else, they have made me even more thankful for him. God is SO good! As I close, I want to again say THANKS SO MUCH to all of you who have been praying us through this. Your prayers have been felt and very much appreciated! Below are some pictures from our hearing this afternoon...enjoy!

Sealing the adoption certificate.

Brayden is officially a Miller!

Quick Update

I don't have much energy left in me tonight, but I did want to post quickly to keep you all updated. On Saturday night, I got a message from Mommy T telling us that she and her mom are paying for the paternity test and that she was going to call the "DNA place" on Monday to schedule an appointment. She ended by saying that she would let us know the date they scheduled and that after the paternity was established, we would "work on setting up visitations" for the birthdad. This message left me confused for several reasons. 1. I didn't know the birthmom could set up a paternity test for the birthdad. (I thought we didn't have to do anything until we got court orders for the test.) 2. I don't know what her motive is for spending all of that money (when she is already struggling to make it with 3 children of her own) for a test for the birthdad. and 3. I am not sure what she meant by visitations. After speaking with our social worker, we found out that she likely will be denied the test without the father present and that if we make it past the finalization without the adoption being postponed, visitations will be up to us. We really aren't one hundred percent sure about all of this, though, since we haven't been able to talk to our lawyer. So, at this point, we continue waiting.

In closing, I know that this post is showing my frustration and for that I apologize. I still care deeply for Mommy T and know that she isn't intending to cause us this much pain. I also am still very empathetic towards the birthdad. We are by no means opposed to a paternity test or even visits with him. He definitely deserves to know if he is Brayden's father. As I said earlier, though, we are just confused about the motives. Does he just want visits or does he still want Brayden? We are also confused about Mommy T's motive. I know that she has regretted giving up Brayden and I want to trust that she isn't using the birthdad to get Brayden back. But, my anxiety is currently getting the better of me! So, I ask that you all keep praying. Pray especially for Mommy T since she is still struggling so much with giving Brayden up for adoption. She still has a lot of healing ahead of her and my heart still breaks for her. Please also pray for wisdom for Seth and I. And, of course, pray for Bray. I never knew love for someone could run as deep as ours does for him. The thought of losing him still brings me to immediate tears (and nausea!), but I am trying to fight dwelling on the worst case scenario. I know it doesn't sound like it tonight, but we are still trusting Him in God's hands. He has been there all along and we are adamant about keeping our trust in the One who gave him to us.

No News is Good News

I have had several people asking me for updates and, unfortunately, I really don't have much of one. Right now, we are just waiting (and praying) it out until December 3rd. As long as we don't get court orders for a paternity test before then, we will be able to finalize the adoption. (Even if we do get them, we may still be able to finalize. We will deal with that if/when we get there, though.) At that point, the adoption agency told us that the chance of any lawyer even taking the birthfather's case is slim to none.

On a positive note, all of your prayers are definitely working. I am so much more at peace about this than I was a week ago! As someone told me yesterday, this is our Isaac moment and we need to trust God with our Brayden. I definitely have my moments of fear and anxiety, but they are becoming fewer as I again learn to "let go and let God."

In closing, thanks SO much to all of you for your support, love, prayers, and encouragement. We are truly blessed and are thankful we don't have to go through this alone. Until my next update, we will continue waiting...and trusting...and praying.

Life is short and sometimes tragic, and each day we are reminded of our finiteness. We don't know the future, we don't know the relationship between events, and we certainly don't know why.
But, we do know that God is good and all-knowing...nothing catches Him by surprise. So, even as we wonder and question the reason and cause for each event, we can be confident that God knows and that in everything, even in the senseless tragedy, He is working.
~Dale Veerman

Another Valley

If most of you are like I was, one of your first emotions when you hear of an adoption is joy. Adoption is an incredible gift that brings countless blessings to so many people who would otherwise be childless, or in the case of the child, parentless. Yes, adoption does bring tremendous joy. But, I am learning that it brings quite a bit of pain as well. Along with the obvious joys, every adoption involves losses that we often overlook. The birthmom, birthfather, and their families are all losing a member of their family. In addition, the child is losing his/her birthfamily. God is teaching me that it is important to be sensitive to the grief that an adoption brings, particularly to the birthparents and the child. Up to this point, I have been working on being compassionate towards one part of that equation...Mommy T. My heart breaks for her when I think of what she must be dealing with as she continues to heal from "losing" Brayden. However, I really didn't think much about the birthfather since all we that had heard was that he originally wanted Brayden to be aborted. We thought that he simply did not want anything to do with Brayden. We learned this weekend that our understanding of that situation was wrong, though. Mommy T told us that Brayden's dad has decided that he wants Brayden and will, in her words, "do everything it takes to get him." This news was understandably shocking, unexpected, and heartbreaking. In fact, the tears really haven't stopped since I finished talking to her. Looking beyond myself, though, God is showing me how painful this must all be for the father as well. At this point, he is facing the reality that his firstborn child is with another family and he is missing the opportunity to have a relationship with him. That has to be a hard pill to swallow. I can understand the pain of potentially losing a child who you love so much. (In fact, we are now in that same position!) However, I have to admit that I am still angry with him. I have to wonder, where has he been and if he wanted to be a dad, why didn't he let Mommy T know before now? Along with this question, I have to wonder who God has in mind to be Brayden's "real" parents. I know that I didn't give birth to Brayden, but I still feel that I am very much his mother. I have dried the tears, changed the diapers, and spent sleepless nights holding my little one when he just couldn't sleep. Even more important than that, though, I have fallen in love with the little guy. Just like every other parent, I have hopes and dreams for him. I spend countless hours looking forward to all that we will share as a family. I look forward to the joy, the laughter, and even the hard times since I know they will draw us closer. There is not even an emotion that can begin to describe what losing him would do to me.

So, with all of this being said, I am left with what to do with all of this pain that everyone is experiencing. How does God want me to handle this? How do I look beyond my own pain in a way that still protects Brayden? Unfortunately, at this point, we have been told that there really isn't much that we can physically do. According to the lawyer, it is a waiting game. Until the adoption is finalized (in 31 loooong days), we really don't have any rights and even then, the father could still fight the adoption. I feel helpless and exhausted thinking of the long days we have ahead of us. As a friend reminded me tonight, though, I am not completely helpless. The one thing I can do is pray for everyone involved. I don't even necessarily know what to pray for at this point, but that is what I will be doing through the next 31 days.

Last Sunday, Seth and I publicly surrendered Brayden's life to the one who blessed us with him. I never imagined that promise would be tested this soon or in this way, but I fully intend to keep my promise. Brayden is in God's hands and has been there all along. I just have to learn to trust him there!

In closing, as much as I hate to do this, I ask for your prayers. Please pray for us, for Mommy T, and for the birthdad (yes, it may sound crazy, but please pray for him...he really is going through a difficult time!). Most importantly, though, pray for our Brayden. I will keep you all updated...

PS I have to apologize if this post seems to jump all over. There is so much information and emotions rolling around in my brain that it is hard to get it written down in an understandable way!

Protect or Prepare?

Well, it happened. The dreaded "N" word reared it's ugly head in my little one's direction. I knew it was coming again. I just didn't expect it so soon. (This was unfortunately not the first time, but it was the first one that was spoken to my face.) I have to admit I was not proud of my response. However, I'm still not sure what my response should have been. At the time, I simply stood there with my mouth hanging open. Later, the anger came, quickly followed by an intense urge to protect my precious little one from such ignorance and hatred. After a few days of thinking through the situation, though, I wonder if protecting is really the best thing I can do for Brayden. I understand the desire to protect since I am pretty sure that it is standard issue for all moms (and dads). However, I have to face the reality that I can't protect Brayden from racism for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, there is an abundance of ignorance and hatred in the world around us. So, as his mom, what do I do? After a lot of thought, I have decided that protection probably isn't the key, preparation is. As his parents, Seth and I have the responsibility to teach Brayden how to handle racism with grace, love, and a confidence in who he is as a child of God. How this is going to happen, I am not yet sure of...especially since the first part of teaching him how to do this will require us to model such a response! I really can't say how I will react when this happens again. At this point, though, I will just have to rest in the peace that I won't have to handle it alone the next time around.

Quick Update

Brayden continues to be the greatest joy of our lives. I never knew it was possible to love someone as much as I love this little guy! To those of you who check my blog regularly, I apologize for taking so long to update! I don't have much time, but I will take the time to upload some pictures since I had some requests for them.:-)

There is a time for everything...

....and I am learning that right now is not a time for cleaning! As those of you closest to me already know, I am quite the perfectionist. I admit that this is not one of my better qualities and because of it, one of my main struggles lately has been giving up my unrealistic need to have a spotless house. I just don't have the time for that much housework anymore and it has been stressing me out. Fortunately, we have a very wise God who led me to a reading that put everything in perspective. I wanted to share it with all of you...especially those of you with young children! It's called "My Son Grows Up."

My hands were busy through the day,
I didn't have much time to play
the little games you asked me to.
When you'd bring your teddy bear
and ask me please to share your fun,
I'd say: "A little later son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
and hear your prayers, turn out the light.
Then tiptoe softly to the door...
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.
For life is short, the years rush past...
a little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
his precious secrets to confide.
The teddy bears are put away,
there are no longer games to play,
no good-night kisses, no prayers to hear...
that all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
Now, I wish I could go back and do
the little things you asked me to.
~Author Unknown

I am so thankful for this poem because it immediately convicted me to spend less time on the house and more time with my precious little one. He is already growing up so fast! In the future, I truly hope that Brayden can look back on his childhood and see a mom who had time to play and cherish every moment with him.

So, to close, I apologize in advance to those of you who come over in the next 18 years or so because my house will NOT be spotless.:-)

A "Real" Mom

In our three short months with Brayden, we have had some crazy questions and comments. My personal favorite was when a lady asked me, "where did you get one like that?" Even though I wanted to be sarcastic and say something like, "at K-mart, he was a blue light special," I resisted. Instead, I just smiled and told her that we had adopted him. The comment that has impacted me the most, though, was when I was told that I was not a "real" mom. In his eyes, the boy who made this comment just didn't believe that anyone could be a "real" mom without actually getting pregnant and having a baby. Instead, he told me that I was more like a step-mom or a long-term baby-sitter. (I should note that this comment came from a 13 year old boy, who in no way meant to hurt me and I do not hold this against him! He simply doesn't fully understand adoption.) After initially shrugging the comment off, the conversation came back to me and brought with it a mix of emotions. I, of course, know that I am a "real" mom, but was faced again with the reality that Brayden really has two moms. I have always said and firmly believe that Brayden has room in his heart to love more than one mom, but this comment made me realize that I hadn't made peace with that fact yet. Even though, Mommy T is such an incredible person who loves Brayden and I am so thankful that she wants to be a part of his life, I have to admit that this comment left me struggling with the selfish want to be his only mom. This selfishness really made me quite mad at myself, especially since Brayden isn't really "mine" anyway. After a few days, I finally decided to take all of this to God (why does it always take me so long??) and as He always does, He led me to something that brought me peace. The poem is called, "Legacy of an Adopted Child."



Once there were two women

who didn't know each other.

One you do not remember.

The other, you call mother.



Two different lives shaped your one.

One became your guiding star.

The other became your sun.



The first gave you life,

and the second taught you to live in it.

The first gave you the need for love,

and the second was there to give it.



One gave you a nationality.

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent.

The other gave you an aim.



One gave you emotions.

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile.

The other dried your tears.



One gave you up-it was all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child,

and God led her straight to you.



And now you ask me through your tears,

the age-old question through the years:

Heredity or environment-which are you the product of?

Neither, my Darling, neither.

Just two different kinds of love!



~Author Unknown



After reading his poem, I was once again thankful for Mommy T. God used the poem to remind me that without her, I wouldn't even have a son. Through God's leading, her love and unselfishness brought Brayden into our lives. Really, it is the least that we can do to share our little boy with the one who brought him into this world! No, we are not a typical family and I am not a typical mom. But, now I can say in all honesty that I really wouldn't want it any other way!

Brayden with Mommy T at the hospital.

May 29, 2009

Bundle of Joy

Every time I look at Brayden, I am reminded about how very good God has been to us! We are thoroughly enjoying watching him grow and change. He now coos and smiles all the time. He is the very definition of a bundle of joy and has brought me more joy than I have ever known! I am attaching a picture of him laughing at his daddy. It took me awhile, but I finally got that adorable smile on camera!

In terms of adoption "stuff," we received the good news that the father's rights were signed over. Yay! This was something that I wasn't terribly concerned about considering what we had been told about him, but it was still a relief. We also had the chance to visit Mommy T and her children last week. Despite the range of emotions we always experience at the visits, we were still glad to see her. She has such a kind heart and truly loves Brayden. We feel VERY blessed to have her in our and Brayden's life!

In the coming weeks, I will have to deal with the reality of going back to work and leaving Brayden with a sitter. Fortunately, our sitters will be family members, but it will still be hard! As corny as it may sound, I truly feel like a part of me is missing when he isn't with me! I am sure I will have more to say about this in the next post. For now, though, I am just planning to enjoy every second of summer break that I have left with him!

Swimming...

our new favorite thing to do!

I'm loving every minute...

of being a mommy!! I'm sorry that I haven't updated in FOREVER! I finally have some down time, so as long as Brayden stays asleep, I can update you all a bit now.:-) Life since my last post has been crazy in the best possible sense of the word. My days are filled with taking care of our precious gift as well as trying to keep up with housework, yard work, etc. Fortunately, Brayden has tons of people who love to spend time with him, so I am able to have at least one day a week to catch up. I always come away from those days missing the time that I could have spent with him, though. Motherhood is such a balancing act!

The highlight of our last month was spending a long weekend with my incredible family in Snowshoe, WV. Brayden did SO well on the trip (perhaps b/c he was being spoiled by 8 people, instead of just mom and dad:-)) and we thoroughly enjoyed building memories with the newest addition of our family! By far, my favorite part of the trip was taking Brayden swimming. I honestly expected him to hate it, but I was surprised to find that he LOVED it! I have never seen him happier. He was kicking, talking, smiling, and just being plain adorable. He loved it so much that Seth and I have decided to pick up a kiddie pool this week for him. I will finally get some time in a pool this summer...even if it is just a few inches of water!:-)

As far as adoption stuff goes, all is going well. We have been enjoying our visits with Mommy T. She is, understandably, still having a tough time with everything and I ask for your continued prayers for her. After two visits within the first month of his adoption, we are now spreading the visits out to 6-8 weeks. Each visit brings with it a wide range of emotions, but we do look forward to spending time with Mommy T and her family. She is such an incredible person and Brayden is so blessed to have a birth mom that cares so much for him! So far, our biggest issue has been convincing our insurance to cover him before the adoption is finalized in December. Despite the fact that I sent them a copy of the LAW that says they have to cover him now, they are still refusing. Hopefully, this will all work out soon!

Well, sorry to cut this short, but my little one is awake. I will do my best to update sooner next time!:-) I am attaching some pics from vacation. Enjoy!

Attempt at a family picture. We will get him to look at the camera one of these days.:-)

Talking to the fishies. Seth is such a good daddy!!

Hanging out with Aunt Angie.

All of the fun swimming wore the poor little guy out.:-)

First train ride!

Bringing Home Baby

Since I left off on the Saturday before the adoption was finalized, I'll start by summarizing Sunday, May 31st...one of the best days of our lives! At 8:48 that morning, the 72 hours was officially up. We, however, didn't find out that the paperwork was signed until after 10. Talk about a stressful morning! Looking back, though, I am glad that the birth mom took her time with the papers and with the decision. Her social worker was extremely supportive and gave her the time that she needed. In retrospect, I realize that the stress that we felt doesn't even begin to compare to what she was going through! After we found out that the adoption papers were signed, we went straight into an hour of paperwork. For those of you who have bought a house, you may have a remote understanding of what this hour was like.:-) Since we were both still in shock at that point, I really don't remember much else about the morning except saying good-bye to mommy T (the birth mom). Those few minutes were the most heartbreaking minutes I have ever experienced. Trying to find the words to say thanks for the most incredible gift imaginable was impossible. Instead, we gave lots of hugs, shared in her tears, and assured her that she was and would continue to be in our prayers. Ultimately, we all found peace in the fact that we would be visiting soon. (We have an open adoption. I will share more about this and the visits in future posts:-))

Since bringing Brayden home, we have been overwhelmed with the love, support, and joy that everyone has been sharing with us. Our house has been filled with guests and we are loving it! I am still not sure that I have fully grasped what God has done for us. He is SO INCREDIBLY good! Right now, I am concentrating on the promise that I made to Him before Brayden. Almost daily before Brayden came into our lives, I said Hannah's prayer found in 1 Samuel: "Oh, Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on my affliction and remember me, and not forget me, but provide me with children which I can give back to you, then I will, indeed, surrender them fully and completely to your glory." (paraphrased) Brayden is an answer to this prayer and I intend to keep my promise of surrendering him and his incredible story to the One who has blessed us with him!

To close, I wanted to let you know that I will do my best to update as much as possible. Our story with Brayden is just beginning and I look forward to continuing to share our adoption journey with all of you. A heartfelt thanks to all of you for your prayers, support and love! Please continue to remember mommy T in your prayers...she is an incredible person with a long road of healing ahead of her.

Our Precious Gift

Every good and perfect gift comes from above.

~James 1:14

It's official! I am a mommy! God is so VERY, VERY good! I will share more of our story when we get more settled in. But, for now, I will at least share a pic.:-)

Brayden Toney Miller

6/28/09

6lbs. 13 ounces

Still waiting

It is 9:30 and we are still waiting...I will update when I can!

13 Hours and Counting

To those of you who have been faithfully following this, I apologize for not posting anything sooner. Today has been an exhausting, crazy day and I just didn't have the brain energy to post anything! Hopefully, what I do post will make at least a bit of sense.:-) The birth mom ran into some problems today with a headache, so she was not discharged as was scheduled. At this point, it looks like she will be spending the night again. For numerous reasons, this has been frustrating. More than anything, I am frustrated that we have had so little time with the baby. For all of the hours that we have been here, we have held him for a total of ~45 minutes. I, of course, understand the birth mother's want to be with him as much as possible. But, it has been very difficult to be in the room for hours on end without having the opportunity to hold and take care of him. Ultimately, I know that all of these delays have happened for a reason and I am still doing my best to trust God. As the title suggested, we are down to about 13 more hours of waiting and then we will FINALLY know if we are parents or not. Honestly, I truly hope this situation works out b/c I am almost positive that I can't handle another 72 hours like this! Please continue to hold the birth mom and her baby in your prayers. I will let you all know the final decision as soon as I can after 9 am tomorrow morning!

Some hard days ahead

Well, I honestly wish that I could say otherwise, but yesterday was a difficult one (and that might be the understatement of the year...:-)). When we got to the hospital, we were able to say hi to the birth mom before she delivered. At 8:48, she had her baby. At about 10, we were finally able to go back to see him and his mother. He was 6 lbs., 13 ounces and 19 inches long. I may be biased, but he is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen! He has the cutest little dimples and a head full of curly hair. It was definitely love at first sight!! We spent the morning more excited than we probably have ever have been! As the day went on, however, the excitement wore off as we began to see signs of the birth mom really struggling with her decision. Apparently, her mother went in shortly after birth and offered to take care of the baby. She was originally very supportive, but kind of went a bit crazy yesterday. This, of course, has the birth mom pretty upset and has made her decision much more difficult. By the end of the day, she was still leaning towards us adopting him, but is still very uncertain about it all. In all honesty, I am dreading what today might bring. I'm not sure I can handle the ups and downs that we experienced yesterday again! But, I also trust that God will not give us more than we can handle. Please, if you have a moment, send a pray up for this birth mom. She has such a difficult decision ahead of her. I told Seth last night that I can't even imagine what she is experiencing! Thanks to all of you already for your love, encouraging words, and support! We are so very, very blessed to have all of you walking this road with us!

On our way...

Good morning everyone!

We got the call at about 3:30 this morning and are on our way to the hospital. I will update as soon as I can. Please pray!!

Quick Update

Most of my updates will probably be pretty short for the next several days, but I wanted to let you all know that meeting the birth mom and her current three children went extremely well! God was entirely present during the entire visit and we truly feel like we couldn't have been matched with a better birth mom. We will have so many wonderful things to tell our son about his mother!! Thanks so much to all of you who prayed us through yesterday. It was emotionally exhausting, but I have to admit that it was the first time in my life that I actually FELT that I was being prayed for.

At this point, we are waiting for the phone call to let us know that she is in labor. She really wanted us to be there for the birth, which is something that we are SO thankful for! After the birth, we have to wait 72 hours. If the birth mom doesn't change her mind in that time, we will be parents!!! Please continue to pray as the emotions that are going with all of this continue to be pretty overwhelming. Also, please pray for the birth mom...for a safe delivery and for the difficult time she will be facing in the near future. I will update as soon as I can!

God is SO Good!

I don't have much time, but I wanted to post a quick update about what has been happening the past few days. On Thursday afternoon, I got a call from the adoption agency letting me know that a birth mom had chosen us. One of the mom's that I discussed in my last post had picked a family that wasn't ready for adoption so she went to her second choice, which was us! Today, we are meeting her and her three other children at the Cleveland Zoo. I am hoping that she doesn't go into labor prematurely b/c she is due on Thursday. That's right, THURSDAY!!! Can you believe it? I'm not sure that I even believe it at this point! When we meet her today, we will be discussing how the hospital stay is going to go (whether she wants us there or not).

Seth and I would really appreciate prayers right now. My emotions are all over the place and I have been sick since I found out! I was telling Seth last night that I am 80% overjoyed and 20% scared to death! There is still a possibility that the birth mom will change her mind, so it has been rough finding a balance between being excited and guarding my heart. Anyway, I need to go get ready for the zoo. I have never been so nervous in my life!!:-) I will do my best to keep you all updated!

Disappointing news...

I talked with the adoption agency this afternoon and found out that we are basically back at square one again. The two mothers who were viewing our profile both picked other couples. I was told that we came in a close second, but weren't exactly what the mothers were looking for. For the most part, I am at peace with all of this. I know deep down that these babies were just not meant for us. Our baby is still out there and I need to be patient while I wait to meet him/her. I also know that the disappointment that today's news brought will ultimately result in even more joy when we finally are matched with our little one. I need to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it someday! Thanks to all of you who are praying for us and who have been supporting us with kind words, hugs, etc. It all means SO much!!

Praising Him in this Storm

"Praise You in This Storm" (words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms)

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry to You and raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. I lift my eyes onto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Chorus

The Decisions Keep Getting Harder...

Oh, what an afternoon I have had!! After school, Jill from the adoption agency called and told me about two birthmoms. The first situation sounded great and I didn't even hesitate to have us included in the profile showing. The second situation, however, was much different and has resulted in several hours of tears. In this situation, there are several potential issues with the mother including drugs, smoking, and a potentially life-threatening disease that could be passed onto the baby. My first response was to say "yes, go for it and show our profile." Then, the doubt began to creep in as I really began to think about whether or not we could provide the best home for this child. I began to wonder, are Seth and I really equipped to handle the issues that this baby could potentially have? Even more importantly, can I handle losing the baby that I have waited SO LONG for to this life threatening disease? As a Christian, I feel that the obvious answers to these questions are "of course, with God, you can do anything." In fact, even as I am writing this, I am imagining people judging me for being wary of this situation...especially since our hearts are leaning towards saying no! Can you imagine the guilt that goes along with saying no?!? I feel like a downright awful person! All of this is taking me right back to the same feelings I had as I was filling out the checklist of what we would and would not "accept." I would not wish these decisions on anyone! They are so very hard and I really don't know what to do with them yet!

To close for the night, I will leave you all with where my heart is at right now...whether it is right or wrong, I have yet to decide! Ultimately, I need to think about what is best for this baby and deep down, I am almost positive it's not us. I'm still trying to figure out if this "no feeling" is God or not, though. Obviously, there is a lot more praying, thinking and talking to do tonight! (Oh, what I would do for a face-to face conversation with God right now!) For those who are willing, I would ask for prayers for us as we continue to sift our way through this process. We still trust that God has a child for us and we want to stay faithful on the path to meeting him/her. I would also ask for prayers for this precious baby that I have been writing about. Please pray that God's hand would be with it and it's mother as she selects a family to place him/her with.

Good News...Maybe...!?!

Wow, what a difference a few days can make! I began this week pretty depressed and discouraged. This weekend, I had talked to my friend who is also adopting from Caring for Kids and she informed me that the number of couples adopting from our agency had increased (due to another agency going bankrupt...). We found out that there are now 49 other couples who are also waiting to adopt. We were told that at least a year of waiting was possible. As I'm sure you can understand, a year seems like a LONG time to wait, especially when it is added to the time we have already been waiting for a family! All of this news, along with my ever-growing impatience, became almost unbearable. I told Seth as I was going to bed on Sunday that I was nearing a panic attack. He, being the amazing guy he is, was able to calm me down, but the anxiety followed me into the week. As always, God was listening to my anxious thoughts/prayers and led me to a story that calmed my heart. On Tuesday morning, I was reading the fourth chapter in Rewriting Your Emotional Script, which is a book that my Sunday school class is studying. The chapter was about letting go of control and trusting God completely. Now, I'm not sure about all of you, but despite the fact that this sounds good, I am awful at actually turning everything over to God....especially this adoption stuff!! As I was reading, my stubbornness (or pride?) kept insisting that staying in control was the only way to protect myself from more hurt. In my head, it made sense to give control to God, the One who knows what is BEST for me. But, I just couldn't convince my heart. Anyway, this is becoming longer than I intended.:-) To make this long story shorter, I was answering a question at the end of the chapter that dealt with tangible ways to develop trust. I had intended to write down "learning more about the character of God," but found when I was rereading my answers that I had written, "learning more about the character of Job." I took this as a "God thing" and started to read about Job. Obviously, I am not experiencing even half of what Job experienced, but the peace I found from reading about him was amazing. He helped me to give voice to the things that I am feeling and experiencing. He showed me that God can handle questioning, tears, and even some complaining! It was only after I let myself question, cry, and complain that I began to again see God's hand at work. Since then, I have been working on placing our baby in God's hands and leaving it there. In other words, I am allowing my heart to begin believing what my head has been telling me all along!

Now, onto that maybe good news! This afternoon, I got a call from the adoption agency telling me that they are going to show our profile to a young girl and her boyfriend. The young girl sounds like an incredibly strong person and I would be honored if she would pick us. She, of course, has many options, though and only God knows who would be best for her child. For those of you who read this, I would really appreciate it if you would pray for her as she makes this difficult decision. Pray that she makes the best decision for her and her baby...even if that doesn't include us! As much as I want her to pick us, I have realized that even if we are not picked, God can still use me to pray for her during this challenging time. She will have several weeks to make her decision, so I will update you as soon as I find something out. Until then, I am not sure what to do with my emotions. I am experiencing everything from worry to excitement to anger that I am letting myself get excited! I am sure more posts will follow about this, but for now I am in need of some Seth time...:-)

Pregnant without a due date

"I've heard of unplanned pregnancies, but I have never heard of unplanned adoptions."

~Max Lucado

As Lucado's quote suggests, there is SO much planning that goes into adoption. Since I have had several people ask me about making an adoption plan, I decided to post about what Seth and I have been through so far. I have to warn you ahead of time that with all we have been through, this likely won't be a short post. But, I will try to keep it as brief as possible.:-)

Paperwork:

In December, Seth and I finally decided on an adoption agency to work through. After looking through two local agencies and finding that we would likely have to wait years for a baby, we decided to broaden our search and found Caring for Kids, Inc. in Munroe Falls. (Thanks again Shelly for the recommendation!:-)) After contacting the agency, we received and filled out some initial paper work. Then, we received a BIG packet of paperwork along with a checklist of things that we needed to complete. Several things we needed to complete included proof that we have lived in Ohio five years, financial statements, physicals, fingerprinting, a fire inspection, an evacuation plan, a vet visit for the cats, etc., etc., etc.! Even with me working on the checklist daily, it took until about the end of February to complete it!

Homestudy:

In February, we were contacted by our social worker and set up two times to meet with her. In preparation for our meeting, we had 15 questions to answer. Then, in our first meeting, we discussed those questions. During the second meeting, we were each interviewed separately and had a "safety audit" of our house. (Yes, our house is already child proof!) This was not nearly as awful as I imagined it would be. God blessed us with an incredible social worker who we felt comfortable sharing our life stories with. This was a good thing since she now probably knows more about us than we know about ourselves!:-) Along with sharing our life stories, we had to discuss the following: our medical history, our hobbies, our relationships with family and friends, experiences that contributed to our emotional growth and maturity, our religious practices, our educational background and work history, the type of home environment we can provide for a child, our methods of discipline, and our greatest strengths and weaknesses as a future parent.

The checklist:

This six page checklist was the HARDEST thing I have ever filled out. Basically, the checklist establishes the boundaries around what child we will and will not accept (ugh, it still sounds awful to say that...!). The list included every possible scenario along with mental and physical illnesses/issues. As Laura Christianson states in her book, The Adoption Decision (a must read for anyone considering adoption!), this checklist took some "brutally honest soul-searching and intense prayer." After several days of this soul-searching, crying (on my part...Seth doesn't cry:-)), and what seemed like endless prayer, Seth and I finally filled out the checklist. We were ultimately as open as possible while still keeping in mind the fact that we both need to continue working after our adoption.

Pre-adoption Training:

In March, we completed our pre-adoption training in Akron. The training involved 12 hours filled with lots of info. about children, adoption issues, etc. The highlight of the weekend was meeting several other couples who are also adopting. It was so nice to find out that we weren't alone in this crazy, incredible process! One of the couples actually live in Wooster and they have already been such a Godsend.

Birthparent letter/Profile book:

The final step of our process was to write a birthparent letter and complete a picture profile book. (When a birthmother contacts the agency, she is given several letters and profiles to go through.) Knowing that the birthmother's decision was initially based on these two items put an incredible amount of stress on me. How in the world were we supposed to present an accurate picture of who we are in one letter and fourteen pages of pictures? It was definitely quite a task, but I finally found peace in knowing that regardless of what we put in them, God will still match us with the mother and child He has in mind for us. About a month ago, we found out that all of our hard work had paid off and we were officially licensed to adopt. Now, as I have mentioned in my previous posts, we wait to be picked.:-)

Thanks to those of you who actually made it through this insanely long post! If anyone is interested in learning more about anything that I mentioned, please feel free to e-mail me. To close, I want to share something else from Christianson's book that I found matches perfectly with our experiences:

"The Creator of families is present to encourage us during every step of parenting. One mom told me, 'When you start the adoption process, you don't even know what you don't even know.' Adoption looks pretty easy when you're watching from the sidelines. Then, like a youngster learning to skate, you take those first tentative steps onto the ice. You fall. You haul yourself up, check for bruises, and try again, becoming more bold with every step. Suddenly you discover you're gliding...and spinning...and jumping...and crashing. But, you keep training. And, as you do, you discover adoption simultaneously surprises, challenges, and delights. As you suit up for adoptive parenthood, stride onto the ice with confidence. God, your partner, is ready to balance, support, and guide you. He's reaching out for you. Will you grab His hand?"

Cats in the Cradle

Here are some pics of Jack and Charlie hanging out in the little one's room.

(Note: For those of you who have old wive's tales of the dangers of cats in a crib running through your mind, rest assured that Charlie will NOT be allowed in the crib with the baby.:-) )

Preparing Our Hearts and Home

Now that our homestudy has been approved, we only have a few things left to do...wait, pray, and prepare. Out of the three, the waiting is by far the hardest for me! The best medicine that I have been finding for my impatience is to simply stay busy. I have spent hours reading through parenting books (of which, I highly recommend Beyond Consequences, Control, and Logic by Forbes and Post), buying baby necessities, and preparing our house. Currently, the closets are organized, the windows have been washed, and the deck has been refinished. My favorite project by far, though, has been preparing the nursery. I have to admit that I was hesitant about getting the nursery ready at first. I had several people warn me that it would just make the waiting more unbearable. Being the organizationoholic that I am, though, I just couldn't not get started on it!:-) Now that it is finished, I am finding that it is not making the wait more unbearable at all. In fact, it is one of my favorite places to be on my impatient days. When I go in that room, I am reminded that I am expecting. I may not show physical signs of an expectant mother, but I am expecting just the same. I am also reminded that, just as a pregnant mother would, it is important for me to be actively preparing for the child that God is simultaneously preparing for us. It has been easy to prepare our house, but I have found that preparing my heart is something that I have to be more mindful of. In that spirit of mindfulness, I have needed to give room for God to work and it is truly amazing what He is accomplishing! I now realize that I wouldn't have been prepared to be a mother in what I thought was my timeline...God really does have perfect timing and He obviously isn't done with me yet!

Below are some pictures of my most recent "labor of love"...the nursery!

Second Letter

To my little one,

I sent in our picture profile and birthparent letter to the agency today, which means that we are one step closer to you! I have been thinking about you so much lately. I truly can't wait for the day when I will meet you! I wonder, what will you look like? What will it feel like to finally be holding the child God has been preparing your daddy and me for? Even though I don't have answers to these questions yet, I do know for sure that you will be the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and that you will be instantly and forever loved. God has been teaching me so much about providing a safe, nurturing environment for you to grow up in and I am so looking forward to bringing you home! Know that I already love you unconditionally. I pray for you and your birthmother often. I pray that God will protect you and that He will guide your birthmother through this challenging time.

I have to admit that the impatience is really setting in for me as I wait to meet you. I know deep down, though, that I haven't met you already because the time just isn't right yet. God is working and I will continue praying for you as we wait on His perfect timing to bring us together. I love you so much, my little one.

Love and prayers,
Mommy

Letter from February 6, 2009

I should note that I have yet to decide if I will actually show these to our future child. At this point, they are simply a way for me to cope with the waiting!

To my little one,

I'm not sure that words can express the range of emotions that I have experienced on our journey to meeting you, but I will give it a try. A little over a year and a half ago, your daddy and I decided that we wanted to try to have children. At that time, we thought that having children would be easy. However, God had a different plan for us. We spent months going through what can best be described as a roller coaster of emotions. I had always believed that doctors could make everything better, but quickly learned that wasn't the case with infertility. The disappointment that I would feel after each failed procedure resulted in many, many days of depression, tears, and hopelessness. Several times, I went into your room and cried into the clothes, stuffed animals, and toys that I had already bought for you. You felt like an impossiblity and I was angry at God. Fortunately, as He always is, God was patient with me. As I began to give control back to him, God slowly began to lead my heart in another direction. He reminded me that your daddy and I had shared our desire to adopt before we ever started trying to have a baby. Somehow, I had lost track of that option in the midst of dealing with infertility. When I finally turned my attention away from infertility and towards adoption, God showed me His plan (which you will learn is always way better than anything you can dream up!!). God wanted your daddy and I to adopt YOU! When that began to sink in, all of the pain disappeared and was replaced with an indescribable peace. My excitement to meet you began growing that day and has resulted in even more tears. These tears, however, are no longer tears of sorrow; they are tears of joyful anticipation for all that we will share as a family. These tears hold the promise of a future filled with joy, love, and growth. We know that you will face special challenges as an adopted child, but are confident that supporting you through those times will only make our relationship stronger.

Tonight we had our first home visit and I am more excited than ever to meet you! I am impatient, but now understand that God is preparing us for each other and will bring us together in His perfect timing. Until the day I can hold you in my arms, I am trusting you in the arms of our loving, gracious Father. You aren't spending 9 months growing in my belly, but you are spending a lot of time growing in something even better...our hearts! I already love you, my little one.

Love and prayers,
Mommy

Getting Started

A few months ago, I was reminded of writing's healing power. On February 6, I was having a particularly difficult time processing the many emotions that have resulted from both infertility and the adoption process. As I lay in bed with my mind racing, my impatience to have a child became so overwhelming that I felt as if my prayers were falling on deaf ears. They, of course, weren't and God gently reminded me of the one thing that has always brought me release and peace...writing. So, that night I sat down and wrote my first letter to our child. This letter brought me to a place of peace and, even more importantly, to a place of understanding. For the first time in a long time, I could see God at work and I felt blessed to be in the position I was in...tears, impatience, and all! Since then, I have written only a few more times, but have been wanting to make it a regular habit. So, here I am doing something I thought I would never do. I am posting in a blog...a public blog. I have to admit that I am stressed about people reading these and their resulting judgments of me. But, it is something that I feel led to do as well. Adoption is an incredible thing and I want to share it with all of you. I can't promise to always speak out of a place of wisdom and understanding, but I can promise to be honest in this journey that God has set my husband and I on. To give you some background, I will be sharing two of my letters with you in the next few postings, starting with the letter I wrote on February 6. Enjoy!