Our Precious Gift

Every good and perfect gift comes from above.

~James 1:14

It's official! I am a mommy! God is so VERY, VERY good! I will share more of our story when we get more settled in. But, for now, I will at least share a pic.:-)

Brayden Toney Miller

6/28/09

6lbs. 13 ounces

Still waiting

It is 9:30 and we are still waiting...I will update when I can!

13 Hours and Counting

To those of you who have been faithfully following this, I apologize for not posting anything sooner. Today has been an exhausting, crazy day and I just didn't have the brain energy to post anything! Hopefully, what I do post will make at least a bit of sense.:-) The birth mom ran into some problems today with a headache, so she was not discharged as was scheduled. At this point, it looks like she will be spending the night again. For numerous reasons, this has been frustrating. More than anything, I am frustrated that we have had so little time with the baby. For all of the hours that we have been here, we have held him for a total of ~45 minutes. I, of course, understand the birth mother's want to be with him as much as possible. But, it has been very difficult to be in the room for hours on end without having the opportunity to hold and take care of him. Ultimately, I know that all of these delays have happened for a reason and I am still doing my best to trust God. As the title suggested, we are down to about 13 more hours of waiting and then we will FINALLY know if we are parents or not. Honestly, I truly hope this situation works out b/c I am almost positive that I can't handle another 72 hours like this! Please continue to hold the birth mom and her baby in your prayers. I will let you all know the final decision as soon as I can after 9 am tomorrow morning!

Some hard days ahead

Well, I honestly wish that I could say otherwise, but yesterday was a difficult one (and that might be the understatement of the year...:-)). When we got to the hospital, we were able to say hi to the birth mom before she delivered. At 8:48, she had her baby. At about 10, we were finally able to go back to see him and his mother. He was 6 lbs., 13 ounces and 19 inches long. I may be biased, but he is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen! He has the cutest little dimples and a head full of curly hair. It was definitely love at first sight!! We spent the morning more excited than we probably have ever have been! As the day went on, however, the excitement wore off as we began to see signs of the birth mom really struggling with her decision. Apparently, her mother went in shortly after birth and offered to take care of the baby. She was originally very supportive, but kind of went a bit crazy yesterday. This, of course, has the birth mom pretty upset and has made her decision much more difficult. By the end of the day, she was still leaning towards us adopting him, but is still very uncertain about it all. In all honesty, I am dreading what today might bring. I'm not sure I can handle the ups and downs that we experienced yesterday again! But, I also trust that God will not give us more than we can handle. Please, if you have a moment, send a pray up for this birth mom. She has such a difficult decision ahead of her. I told Seth last night that I can't even imagine what she is experiencing! Thanks to all of you already for your love, encouraging words, and support! We are so very, very blessed to have all of you walking this road with us!

On our way...

Good morning everyone!

We got the call at about 3:30 this morning and are on our way to the hospital. I will update as soon as I can. Please pray!!

Quick Update

Most of my updates will probably be pretty short for the next several days, but I wanted to let you all know that meeting the birth mom and her current three children went extremely well! God was entirely present during the entire visit and we truly feel like we couldn't have been matched with a better birth mom. We will have so many wonderful things to tell our son about his mother!! Thanks so much to all of you who prayed us through yesterday. It was emotionally exhausting, but I have to admit that it was the first time in my life that I actually FELT that I was being prayed for.

At this point, we are waiting for the phone call to let us know that she is in labor. She really wanted us to be there for the birth, which is something that we are SO thankful for! After the birth, we have to wait 72 hours. If the birth mom doesn't change her mind in that time, we will be parents!!! Please continue to pray as the emotions that are going with all of this continue to be pretty overwhelming. Also, please pray for the birth mom...for a safe delivery and for the difficult time she will be facing in the near future. I will update as soon as I can!

God is SO Good!

I don't have much time, but I wanted to post a quick update about what has been happening the past few days. On Thursday afternoon, I got a call from the adoption agency letting me know that a birth mom had chosen us. One of the mom's that I discussed in my last post had picked a family that wasn't ready for adoption so she went to her second choice, which was us! Today, we are meeting her and her three other children at the Cleveland Zoo. I am hoping that she doesn't go into labor prematurely b/c she is due on Thursday. That's right, THURSDAY!!! Can you believe it? I'm not sure that I even believe it at this point! When we meet her today, we will be discussing how the hospital stay is going to go (whether she wants us there or not).

Seth and I would really appreciate prayers right now. My emotions are all over the place and I have been sick since I found out! I was telling Seth last night that I am 80% overjoyed and 20% scared to death! There is still a possibility that the birth mom will change her mind, so it has been rough finding a balance between being excited and guarding my heart. Anyway, I need to go get ready for the zoo. I have never been so nervous in my life!!:-) I will do my best to keep you all updated!

Disappointing news...

I talked with the adoption agency this afternoon and found out that we are basically back at square one again. The two mothers who were viewing our profile both picked other couples. I was told that we came in a close second, but weren't exactly what the mothers were looking for. For the most part, I am at peace with all of this. I know deep down that these babies were just not meant for us. Our baby is still out there and I need to be patient while I wait to meet him/her. I also know that the disappointment that today's news brought will ultimately result in even more joy when we finally are matched with our little one. I need to keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it someday! Thanks to all of you who are praying for us and who have been supporting us with kind words, hugs, etc. It all means SO much!!

Praising Him in this Storm

"Praise You in This Storm" (words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms)

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry to You and raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. I lift my eyes onto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Chorus

The Decisions Keep Getting Harder...

Oh, what an afternoon I have had!! After school, Jill from the adoption agency called and told me about two birthmoms. The first situation sounded great and I didn't even hesitate to have us included in the profile showing. The second situation, however, was much different and has resulted in several hours of tears. In this situation, there are several potential issues with the mother including drugs, smoking, and a potentially life-threatening disease that could be passed onto the baby. My first response was to say "yes, go for it and show our profile." Then, the doubt began to creep in as I really began to think about whether or not we could provide the best home for this child. I began to wonder, are Seth and I really equipped to handle the issues that this baby could potentially have? Even more importantly, can I handle losing the baby that I have waited SO LONG for to this life threatening disease? As a Christian, I feel that the obvious answers to these questions are "of course, with God, you can do anything." In fact, even as I am writing this, I am imagining people judging me for being wary of this situation...especially since our hearts are leaning towards saying no! Can you imagine the guilt that goes along with saying no?!? I feel like a downright awful person! All of this is taking me right back to the same feelings I had as I was filling out the checklist of what we would and would not "accept." I would not wish these decisions on anyone! They are so very hard and I really don't know what to do with them yet!

To close for the night, I will leave you all with where my heart is at right now...whether it is right or wrong, I have yet to decide! Ultimately, I need to think about what is best for this baby and deep down, I am almost positive it's not us. I'm still trying to figure out if this "no feeling" is God or not, though. Obviously, there is a lot more praying, thinking and talking to do tonight! (Oh, what I would do for a face-to face conversation with God right now!) For those who are willing, I would ask for prayers for us as we continue to sift our way through this process. We still trust that God has a child for us and we want to stay faithful on the path to meeting him/her. I would also ask for prayers for this precious baby that I have been writing about. Please pray that God's hand would be with it and it's mother as she selects a family to place him/her with.

Good News...Maybe...!?!

Wow, what a difference a few days can make! I began this week pretty depressed and discouraged. This weekend, I had talked to my friend who is also adopting from Caring for Kids and she informed me that the number of couples adopting from our agency had increased (due to another agency going bankrupt...). We found out that there are now 49 other couples who are also waiting to adopt. We were told that at least a year of waiting was possible. As I'm sure you can understand, a year seems like a LONG time to wait, especially when it is added to the time we have already been waiting for a family! All of this news, along with my ever-growing impatience, became almost unbearable. I told Seth as I was going to bed on Sunday that I was nearing a panic attack. He, being the amazing guy he is, was able to calm me down, but the anxiety followed me into the week. As always, God was listening to my anxious thoughts/prayers and led me to a story that calmed my heart. On Tuesday morning, I was reading the fourth chapter in Rewriting Your Emotional Script, which is a book that my Sunday school class is studying. The chapter was about letting go of control and trusting God completely. Now, I'm not sure about all of you, but despite the fact that this sounds good, I am awful at actually turning everything over to God....especially this adoption stuff!! As I was reading, my stubbornness (or pride?) kept insisting that staying in control was the only way to protect myself from more hurt. In my head, it made sense to give control to God, the One who knows what is BEST for me. But, I just couldn't convince my heart. Anyway, this is becoming longer than I intended.:-) To make this long story shorter, I was answering a question at the end of the chapter that dealt with tangible ways to develop trust. I had intended to write down "learning more about the character of God," but found when I was rereading my answers that I had written, "learning more about the character of Job." I took this as a "God thing" and started to read about Job. Obviously, I am not experiencing even half of what Job experienced, but the peace I found from reading about him was amazing. He helped me to give voice to the things that I am feeling and experiencing. He showed me that God can handle questioning, tears, and even some complaining! It was only after I let myself question, cry, and complain that I began to again see God's hand at work. Since then, I have been working on placing our baby in God's hands and leaving it there. In other words, I am allowing my heart to begin believing what my head has been telling me all along!

Now, onto that maybe good news! This afternoon, I got a call from the adoption agency telling me that they are going to show our profile to a young girl and her boyfriend. The young girl sounds like an incredibly strong person and I would be honored if she would pick us. She, of course, has many options, though and only God knows who would be best for her child. For those of you who read this, I would really appreciate it if you would pray for her as she makes this difficult decision. Pray that she makes the best decision for her and her baby...even if that doesn't include us! As much as I want her to pick us, I have realized that even if we are not picked, God can still use me to pray for her during this challenging time. She will have several weeks to make her decision, so I will update you as soon as I find something out. Until then, I am not sure what to do with my emotions. I am experiencing everything from worry to excitement to anger that I am letting myself get excited! I am sure more posts will follow about this, but for now I am in need of some Seth time...:-)

Pregnant without a due date

"I've heard of unplanned pregnancies, but I have never heard of unplanned adoptions."

~Max Lucado

As Lucado's quote suggests, there is SO much planning that goes into adoption. Since I have had several people ask me about making an adoption plan, I decided to post about what Seth and I have been through so far. I have to warn you ahead of time that with all we have been through, this likely won't be a short post. But, I will try to keep it as brief as possible.:-)

Paperwork:

In December, Seth and I finally decided on an adoption agency to work through. After looking through two local agencies and finding that we would likely have to wait years for a baby, we decided to broaden our search and found Caring for Kids, Inc. in Munroe Falls. (Thanks again Shelly for the recommendation!:-)) After contacting the agency, we received and filled out some initial paper work. Then, we received a BIG packet of paperwork along with a checklist of things that we needed to complete. Several things we needed to complete included proof that we have lived in Ohio five years, financial statements, physicals, fingerprinting, a fire inspection, an evacuation plan, a vet visit for the cats, etc., etc., etc.! Even with me working on the checklist daily, it took until about the end of February to complete it!

Homestudy:

In February, we were contacted by our social worker and set up two times to meet with her. In preparation for our meeting, we had 15 questions to answer. Then, in our first meeting, we discussed those questions. During the second meeting, we were each interviewed separately and had a "safety audit" of our house. (Yes, our house is already child proof!) This was not nearly as awful as I imagined it would be. God blessed us with an incredible social worker who we felt comfortable sharing our life stories with. This was a good thing since she now probably knows more about us than we know about ourselves!:-) Along with sharing our life stories, we had to discuss the following: our medical history, our hobbies, our relationships with family and friends, experiences that contributed to our emotional growth and maturity, our religious practices, our educational background and work history, the type of home environment we can provide for a child, our methods of discipline, and our greatest strengths and weaknesses as a future parent.

The checklist:

This six page checklist was the HARDEST thing I have ever filled out. Basically, the checklist establishes the boundaries around what child we will and will not accept (ugh, it still sounds awful to say that...!). The list included every possible scenario along with mental and physical illnesses/issues. As Laura Christianson states in her book, The Adoption Decision (a must read for anyone considering adoption!), this checklist took some "brutally honest soul-searching and intense prayer." After several days of this soul-searching, crying (on my part...Seth doesn't cry:-)), and what seemed like endless prayer, Seth and I finally filled out the checklist. We were ultimately as open as possible while still keeping in mind the fact that we both need to continue working after our adoption.

Pre-adoption Training:

In March, we completed our pre-adoption training in Akron. The training involved 12 hours filled with lots of info. about children, adoption issues, etc. The highlight of the weekend was meeting several other couples who are also adopting. It was so nice to find out that we weren't alone in this crazy, incredible process! One of the couples actually live in Wooster and they have already been such a Godsend.

Birthparent letter/Profile book:

The final step of our process was to write a birthparent letter and complete a picture profile book. (When a birthmother contacts the agency, she is given several letters and profiles to go through.) Knowing that the birthmother's decision was initially based on these two items put an incredible amount of stress on me. How in the world were we supposed to present an accurate picture of who we are in one letter and fourteen pages of pictures? It was definitely quite a task, but I finally found peace in knowing that regardless of what we put in them, God will still match us with the mother and child He has in mind for us. About a month ago, we found out that all of our hard work had paid off and we were officially licensed to adopt. Now, as I have mentioned in my previous posts, we wait to be picked.:-)

Thanks to those of you who actually made it through this insanely long post! If anyone is interested in learning more about anything that I mentioned, please feel free to e-mail me. To close, I want to share something else from Christianson's book that I found matches perfectly with our experiences:

"The Creator of families is present to encourage us during every step of parenting. One mom told me, 'When you start the adoption process, you don't even know what you don't even know.' Adoption looks pretty easy when you're watching from the sidelines. Then, like a youngster learning to skate, you take those first tentative steps onto the ice. You fall. You haul yourself up, check for bruises, and try again, becoming more bold with every step. Suddenly you discover you're gliding...and spinning...and jumping...and crashing. But, you keep training. And, as you do, you discover adoption simultaneously surprises, challenges, and delights. As you suit up for adoptive parenthood, stride onto the ice with confidence. God, your partner, is ready to balance, support, and guide you. He's reaching out for you. Will you grab His hand?"