Waiting, Chapter 2

Several weeks ago, we were again matched with a birth mom. My emotions since then can best be described as a mixture of hope, fear, and love. My first emotion after the phone call was restored hope. To be honest, I was starting to fear that God may not have another child for us. This was frustrating because even though we were beyond blessed with the adoption of Brayden, I just didn’t feel like our family was complete yet. As a result, hearing that God had found us another little one was beyond exciting. I’m pretty sure that nothing could have wiped the smile off my face that day! Initially, I had decided that I was just going to be excited about this possibility and deal with the pain of a disrupted placement if the time came. This actually worked well…for awhile anyway. I excitedly bought clothes, baby supplies, organized the nursery, and started planning for a long-term substitute. This all kept me busy and thus kept my mind occupied. However, now I am ready, which means that I have time to think. Slowly, the fear is creeping in as we wait for the phone call that the birth mom is in labor. The feelings from our last failed adoption are coming back and bringing unnerving questions along with them. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we have to go through this all over again? Can I handle losing another little one? Obviously, I don’t have the answers to these questions yet. My only option is to wait it out, but thankfully I don’t have to wait alone. I am finding peace in the fact that God is with us and will continue to guide our family on our adoption journey. As hard as this all may be, I know that God will continue to provide the patience, wisdom, and understanding that we need. I also trust that He is preparing our family for another little one and that in His perfect timing, we will finally meet. The final emotion that I mentioned above is the one that is making the wait more bearable. It seems that the longer we wait, the more my love for our future child grows. One of my initial fears with adoption was that the absence of a child growing in me would result in an absence of the motherly love and instincts that tend to grow right along with a baby. This fear was diminished when we adopted Brayden and I found that my love for him was just as strong as if I had carried him for nine months. In addition, along with that love came a deep sense of appreciation for the gift of motherhood…a gift that many easily and understandably take for granted.

To close, I am sure that I will continue carrying this mixture of emotions with me as I await our new blessing. Until the time to meet comes, though, I am finding peace in knowing that our little one is safe in arms of Jesus. Hold on, precious…mommy, daddy, and Brayden are counting down the days until we can hold you and show you how much we love you!