Tonight, we received news that the little girl we were selected to adopt is staying with her birth mommy. In all honesty, I am not sure how to feel right now. There are so many emotions that are fighting each other, along with a really loud, annoying voice telling me to suck it up. Thankfully, this year God has brought people into my life that have been teaching me that it is okay to experience emotions. I have come to realize that when I don’t take the time to experience my emotions, they come back later much uglier and often hurt the people I love. Despite this realization, though, I continue to struggle with working through my emotions. Why does it seem easier to brush them off? The only answer that I can come up with is simply other people. I don’t want to come across as an overly dramatic, pessimistic person. I would rather wear the mask of the strong Christian who never doubts God or His plans for me. Tonight, however, I am going to fight that voice that is telling me to shove and I am going to do what is the most healing for me-write through my emotions. So, here goes.

Right now, I am...
Angry-This is the scariest emotion because I feel so guilty being angry with God. The truth is, though, that I am mad and that He can handle that. I am most upset that God brought a potential adoption into our lives that just happened to fall on the same due date as my sister and sister-in-law. As dangerous as I knew this thinking was, I honestly thought that it was meant to be just because of that! Three little girls due on the same day in the same family? That just had to be a God thing! However, I am now feeling like it was just a cruel coincidence.
Scared-I don’t want to go through this again. To put it bluntly, the past week has been AWFUL! Patience is a virtue that I ran out of on Tuesdayish. It has been so hard to have our lives in limbo…preparing for a new little one while simultaneously guarding my heart against the knowledge that it could all fall through. The thought of doing this again (and possibly again and again) is enough to make me feel ill right now.
Jealous-yes, that ugly j word! This week, I had the joy of experiencing the birth of my niece and am looking forward to the birth of Becca’s little miracle as well. As I watched the joyful aftermath of Bella’s birth in the waiting room, though, I did have some pain creeping in. I saw for the first time how having a baby is supposed to be. I realized that the knowledge that the child that has been born is all yours and that you will be taking it home 2 to 3 days later is something that we will never experience. The hospital will never be a joyful experience for us. Instead, it was and will be overwhelmingly stressful.
Guilty-I know that as hard as this has been for me, it has been ten times harder for the birth mom. I can’t even imagine the amount of stress and pain she has been experiencing the past 9 months. (Please continue to pray for her and her precious little one.) Because of this, I don’t feel like I even have a right to be upset.
Hopeful-Finally, in the midst of all of this pain, I do feel an undercurrent of peace and hope. It is a small undercurrent, but it is there. I still trust that God has a little one in mind for us and understand that we just aren’t ready for each other yet.

So, there they are…all of the emotions that I am experiencing right now. Along with these emotions is that voice of rationalization that is telling me that everything is going to be okay, that this just wasn’t meant to be, that we will have another little one someday, that I am being too dramatic about this, and that I was foolish for letting myself get excited in the first place. As important as I know that voice probably is, I am thinking that for tonight I am going to tell it to shut-up. Instead, I am going to go kiss my precious little boy and then, I am going to let myself cry.