Letter from February 6, 2009

I should note that I have yet to decide if I will actually show these to our future child. At this point, they are simply a way for me to cope with the waiting!

To my little one,

I'm not sure that words can express the range of emotions that I have experienced on our journey to meeting you, but I will give it a try. A little over a year and a half ago, your daddy and I decided that we wanted to try to have children. At that time, we thought that having children would be easy. However, God had a different plan for us. We spent months going through what can best be described as a roller coaster of emotions. I had always believed that doctors could make everything better, but quickly learned that wasn't the case with infertility. The disappointment that I would feel after each failed procedure resulted in many, many days of depression, tears, and hopelessness. Several times, I went into your room and cried into the clothes, stuffed animals, and toys that I had already bought for you. You felt like an impossiblity and I was angry at God. Fortunately, as He always is, God was patient with me. As I began to give control back to him, God slowly began to lead my heart in another direction. He reminded me that your daddy and I had shared our desire to adopt before we ever started trying to have a baby. Somehow, I had lost track of that option in the midst of dealing with infertility. When I finally turned my attention away from infertility and towards adoption, God showed me His plan (which you will learn is always way better than anything you can dream up!!). God wanted your daddy and I to adopt YOU! When that began to sink in, all of the pain disappeared and was replaced with an indescribable peace. My excitement to meet you began growing that day and has resulted in even more tears. These tears, however, are no longer tears of sorrow; they are tears of joyful anticipation for all that we will share as a family. These tears hold the promise of a future filled with joy, love, and growth. We know that you will face special challenges as an adopted child, but are confident that supporting you through those times will only make our relationship stronger.

Tonight we had our first home visit and I am more excited than ever to meet you! I am impatient, but now understand that God is preparing us for each other and will bring us together in His perfect timing. Until the day I can hold you in my arms, I am trusting you in the arms of our loving, gracious Father. You aren't spending 9 months growing in my belly, but you are spending a lot of time growing in something even better...our hearts! I already love you, my little one.

Love and prayers,
Mommy