Another Valley

If most of you are like I was, one of your first emotions when you hear of an adoption is joy. Adoption is an incredible gift that brings countless blessings to so many people who would otherwise be childless, or in the case of the child, parentless. Yes, adoption does bring tremendous joy. But, I am learning that it brings quite a bit of pain as well. Along with the obvious joys, every adoption involves losses that we often overlook. The birthmom, birthfather, and their families are all losing a member of their family. In addition, the child is losing his/her birthfamily. God is teaching me that it is important to be sensitive to the grief that an adoption brings, particularly to the birthparents and the child. Up to this point, I have been working on being compassionate towards one part of that equation...Mommy T. My heart breaks for her when I think of what she must be dealing with as she continues to heal from "losing" Brayden. However, I really didn't think much about the birthfather since all we that had heard was that he originally wanted Brayden to be aborted. We thought that he simply did not want anything to do with Brayden. We learned this weekend that our understanding of that situation was wrong, though. Mommy T told us that Brayden's dad has decided that he wants Brayden and will, in her words, "do everything it takes to get him." This news was understandably shocking, unexpected, and heartbreaking. In fact, the tears really haven't stopped since I finished talking to her. Looking beyond myself, though, God is showing me how painful this must all be for the father as well. At this point, he is facing the reality that his firstborn child is with another family and he is missing the opportunity to have a relationship with him. That has to be a hard pill to swallow. I can understand the pain of potentially losing a child who you love so much. (In fact, we are now in that same position!) However, I have to admit that I am still angry with him. I have to wonder, where has he been and if he wanted to be a dad, why didn't he let Mommy T know before now? Along with this question, I have to wonder who God has in mind to be Brayden's "real" parents. I know that I didn't give birth to Brayden, but I still feel that I am very much his mother. I have dried the tears, changed the diapers, and spent sleepless nights holding my little one when he just couldn't sleep. Even more important than that, though, I have fallen in love with the little guy. Just like every other parent, I have hopes and dreams for him. I spend countless hours looking forward to all that we will share as a family. I look forward to the joy, the laughter, and even the hard times since I know they will draw us closer. There is not even an emotion that can begin to describe what losing him would do to me.

So, with all of this being said, I am left with what to do with all of this pain that everyone is experiencing. How does God want me to handle this? How do I look beyond my own pain in a way that still protects Brayden? Unfortunately, at this point, we have been told that there really isn't much that we can physically do. According to the lawyer, it is a waiting game. Until the adoption is finalized (in 31 loooong days), we really don't have any rights and even then, the father could still fight the adoption. I feel helpless and exhausted thinking of the long days we have ahead of us. As a friend reminded me tonight, though, I am not completely helpless. The one thing I can do is pray for everyone involved. I don't even necessarily know what to pray for at this point, but that is what I will be doing through the next 31 days.

Last Sunday, Seth and I publicly surrendered Brayden's life to the one who blessed us with him. I never imagined that promise would be tested this soon or in this way, but I fully intend to keep my promise. Brayden is in God's hands and has been there all along. I just have to learn to trust him there!

In closing, as much as I hate to do this, I ask for your prayers. Please pray for us, for Mommy T, and for the birthdad (yes, it may sound crazy, but please pray for him...he really is going through a difficult time!). Most importantly, though, pray for our Brayden. I will keep you all updated...

PS I have to apologize if this post seems to jump all over. There is so much information and emotions rolling around in my brain that it is hard to get it written down in an understandable way!