Quick Update

I don't have much energy left in me tonight, but I did want to post quickly to keep you all updated. On Saturday night, I got a message from Mommy T telling us that she and her mom are paying for the paternity test and that she was going to call the "DNA place" on Monday to schedule an appointment. She ended by saying that she would let us know the date they scheduled and that after the paternity was established, we would "work on setting up visitations" for the birthdad. This message left me confused for several reasons. 1. I didn't know the birthmom could set up a paternity test for the birthdad. (I thought we didn't have to do anything until we got court orders for the test.) 2. I don't know what her motive is for spending all of that money (when she is already struggling to make it with 3 children of her own) for a test for the birthdad. and 3. I am not sure what she meant by visitations. After speaking with our social worker, we found out that she likely will be denied the test without the father present and that if we make it past the finalization without the adoption being postponed, visitations will be up to us. We really aren't one hundred percent sure about all of this, though, since we haven't been able to talk to our lawyer. So, at this point, we continue waiting.

In closing, I know that this post is showing my frustration and for that I apologize. I still care deeply for Mommy T and know that she isn't intending to cause us this much pain. I also am still very empathetic towards the birthdad. We are by no means opposed to a paternity test or even visits with him. He definitely deserves to know if he is Brayden's father. As I said earlier, though, we are just confused about the motives. Does he just want visits or does he still want Brayden? We are also confused about Mommy T's motive. I know that she has regretted giving up Brayden and I want to trust that she isn't using the birthdad to get Brayden back. But, my anxiety is currently getting the better of me! So, I ask that you all keep praying. Pray especially for Mommy T since she is still struggling so much with giving Brayden up for adoption. She still has a lot of healing ahead of her and my heart still breaks for her. Please also pray for wisdom for Seth and I. And, of course, pray for Bray. I never knew love for someone could run as deep as ours does for him. The thought of losing him still brings me to immediate tears (and nausea!), but I am trying to fight dwelling on the worst case scenario. I know it doesn't sound like it tonight, but we are still trusting Him in God's hands. He has been there all along and we are adamant about keeping our trust in the One who gave him to us.

No News is Good News

I have had several people asking me for updates and, unfortunately, I really don't have much of one. Right now, we are just waiting (and praying) it out until December 3rd. As long as we don't get court orders for a paternity test before then, we will be able to finalize the adoption. (Even if we do get them, we may still be able to finalize. We will deal with that if/when we get there, though.) At that point, the adoption agency told us that the chance of any lawyer even taking the birthfather's case is slim to none.

On a positive note, all of your prayers are definitely working. I am so much more at peace about this than I was a week ago! As someone told me yesterday, this is our Isaac moment and we need to trust God with our Brayden. I definitely have my moments of fear and anxiety, but they are becoming fewer as I again learn to "let go and let God."

In closing, thanks SO much to all of you for your support, love, prayers, and encouragement. We are truly blessed and are thankful we don't have to go through this alone. Until my next update, we will continue waiting...and trusting...and praying.

Life is short and sometimes tragic, and each day we are reminded of our finiteness. We don't know the future, we don't know the relationship between events, and we certainly don't know why.
But, we do know that God is good and all-knowing...nothing catches Him by surprise. So, even as we wonder and question the reason and cause for each event, we can be confident that God knows and that in everything, even in the senseless tragedy, He is working.
~Dale Veerman

Another Valley

If most of you are like I was, one of your first emotions when you hear of an adoption is joy. Adoption is an incredible gift that brings countless blessings to so many people who would otherwise be childless, or in the case of the child, parentless. Yes, adoption does bring tremendous joy. But, I am learning that it brings quite a bit of pain as well. Along with the obvious joys, every adoption involves losses that we often overlook. The birthmom, birthfather, and their families are all losing a member of their family. In addition, the child is losing his/her birthfamily. God is teaching me that it is important to be sensitive to the grief that an adoption brings, particularly to the birthparents and the child. Up to this point, I have been working on being compassionate towards one part of that equation...Mommy T. My heart breaks for her when I think of what she must be dealing with as she continues to heal from "losing" Brayden. However, I really didn't think much about the birthfather since all we that had heard was that he originally wanted Brayden to be aborted. We thought that he simply did not want anything to do with Brayden. We learned this weekend that our understanding of that situation was wrong, though. Mommy T told us that Brayden's dad has decided that he wants Brayden and will, in her words, "do everything it takes to get him." This news was understandably shocking, unexpected, and heartbreaking. In fact, the tears really haven't stopped since I finished talking to her. Looking beyond myself, though, God is showing me how painful this must all be for the father as well. At this point, he is facing the reality that his firstborn child is with another family and he is missing the opportunity to have a relationship with him. That has to be a hard pill to swallow. I can understand the pain of potentially losing a child who you love so much. (In fact, we are now in that same position!) However, I have to admit that I am still angry with him. I have to wonder, where has he been and if he wanted to be a dad, why didn't he let Mommy T know before now? Along with this question, I have to wonder who God has in mind to be Brayden's "real" parents. I know that I didn't give birth to Brayden, but I still feel that I am very much his mother. I have dried the tears, changed the diapers, and spent sleepless nights holding my little one when he just couldn't sleep. Even more important than that, though, I have fallen in love with the little guy. Just like every other parent, I have hopes and dreams for him. I spend countless hours looking forward to all that we will share as a family. I look forward to the joy, the laughter, and even the hard times since I know they will draw us closer. There is not even an emotion that can begin to describe what losing him would do to me.

So, with all of this being said, I am left with what to do with all of this pain that everyone is experiencing. How does God want me to handle this? How do I look beyond my own pain in a way that still protects Brayden? Unfortunately, at this point, we have been told that there really isn't much that we can physically do. According to the lawyer, it is a waiting game. Until the adoption is finalized (in 31 loooong days), we really don't have any rights and even then, the father could still fight the adoption. I feel helpless and exhausted thinking of the long days we have ahead of us. As a friend reminded me tonight, though, I am not completely helpless. The one thing I can do is pray for everyone involved. I don't even necessarily know what to pray for at this point, but that is what I will be doing through the next 31 days.

Last Sunday, Seth and I publicly surrendered Brayden's life to the one who blessed us with him. I never imagined that promise would be tested this soon or in this way, but I fully intend to keep my promise. Brayden is in God's hands and has been there all along. I just have to learn to trust him there!

In closing, as much as I hate to do this, I ask for your prayers. Please pray for us, for Mommy T, and for the birthdad (yes, it may sound crazy, but please pray for him...he really is going through a difficult time!). Most importantly, though, pray for our Brayden. I will keep you all updated...

PS I have to apologize if this post seems to jump all over. There is so much information and emotions rolling around in my brain that it is hard to get it written down in an understandable way!