It is always darkest before the dawn...

This quote has been running through my mind a lot lately as I have been reminding myself that God not only guides us through our darkest night, but that He also promises a brighter tomorrow. Sometimes that "tomorrow" doesn't come as quickly as we would like, but it does come and I have been holding onto that promise. Our "tomorrow" came yesterday in a phone call from the social worker saying that....(are you sitting down?)...Jordan's mom was again requesting us to adopt him! This phone call was something that we knew was possible, but had decided to put out of our minds. We wanted to begin healing from the whole painful ordeal and knew that holding onto that hope was not going to help the process. So, needless to say, when the phone call came, I was shocked! After rushing around to prepare for a sub and to again prepare our home, I was able to hold baby Jordan again. That moment is something that I will never forget!

This morning we headed off to the adoption agency to wait for the word that the adoption papers had been signed. The moment we found out that the papers were signed was one of pure, God-given joy! I am obviously going to have my hands wonderfully full for awhile, so it may be awhile before I can post again. But, until then, join us in praising God for our beautiful miracle and even more importantly, praying for the beautiful, strong woman who loved her child enough to let him go. She has a long, painful journey of healing ahead of her and we are committed to praying her through that journey.

To close, I am attaching some pictures from our joyful reunion. Welcome to your forever family, Jordan Kade. You have already brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined!

Prayers of Blessing for Baby Jordan

I know that many of you are curious about how the rest of our story played out yesterday and I will try to share that with you at some point. But, tonight, my mind is still struggling to put all of the details together in a comprehensible way. I will say, though, that we have felt and are OVERWHELMED by the prayers and support from our family and friends. Healing is definitely happening and our hope is returning. God has been using His people to bring us comfort and we are thankful for each and every one of you! For now, I wanted to share one of the blessings and prayers that we left Jordan with yesterday morning. The reason I am picking this one to share with you is because when I finished reading it, little Jordan had a smile on his face. (I know some of you may argue that it was gas, but I choose to believe that it was a smile!)

"Jordan, I want nothing more than for you to always keep God's word, live in His truth, and fulfill His purpose for your life. May you live in all the goodness that God has for you. May you be perfected by His love and life flowing through you. May you learn to rely not on your own strength so that you grow weary, but rather lean on the Lord's strength so that you are renewed in His presence. May you always trust His working in your life (1 John 2:5).

Lord, may a healthy fear and knowledge of You be the foundation upon which Jordan builds his life and future. May he turn to You for all decisions so that he doesn't make poor choices. Help him to see that all the treasures of wisdom are hidden in You and that You give them freely when we ask for them. As he seeks guidance from you over the years, Lord, pour it liberally upon him so that all his paths will be peace filled, his life will be blessed, and his future will be bright." (Stormie Omartian)

Jordan may have only been in our arms for three days, but he will remain in our hearts and in our prayers for the rest of our lives. We are so thankful to God for giving Jordan to the world and for allowing us to share in a small part of his life. May God bless you, baby Jordan, and your family with stability, peace, and love as begin your life together. We will always love you...

Hour 80

I have already shared the lyrics to these songs, but I wanted to share some links to them as well. They are bringing me peace this morning as I wait...along with the peaceful breathing of the beautiful angel sleeping beside me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIkQ7YVys_A

Day 3

Day three started on a hopeful, incredibly peaceful note. The social worker stopped by to say that the birth mom was still at peace with her decision and that she was considering opening the adoption more. This was something that Seth and I were actually hoping for as our experience so far has proven that as hard as it can sometimes be for the adoptive parents, open adoptions tend to be very healing for the birth moms. As much as I was trying to fight it, this talk left me feeling pretty confident. I finally started imagining our life with this little guy. I spent the morning dreaming of all the experiences that our finally complete family would have. I knew that I should still be hesitant, but was having trouble fighting the excitement. Then, 2:30 came and the phone rang. Jen was calling to tell me that the nurse had contacted her with concerns about the birth mom. The birth mom was very emotional (which is of course to be expected!) and was wavering on her decision. When the social worker called the birth mom, she immediately told her that she couldn't go through with the adoption plan. The social worker listened and talked with her for quite awhile. From what I understand, it sounds like she is getting a lot of pressure from her teenage daughter to keep the baby, but the birth dad is still on board with the adoption plan. The birth mom finally agreed to go home and sleep on it, which means that we will not know anything either way until tomorrow morning. This phone call was obviously very unexpected and has left me feeling very overwhelmed. I really am not sure what to do with my emotions right now. On one hand, my heart is breaking for the birth mom. I just can't imagine the pain that she is feeling right now. On the other hand, I am experiencing emotional pain so intense that I am actually physically ill. I told Seth that I am pretty sure it is humanly impossible to not become attached to a baby that you have spent several days with. This little guy captured my heart the moment I saw him and my love for him has been growing ever since. My heart hurts for him and the confusion he has already experienced in his first few days on earth. I realize that up to this point this all may sound a bit focused on my pain, but the cry of my heart at this point is ultimately for him...not for me. I am praying for peace to fill him and for God to bless his future with secure relationships and unconditional love. I know that God is faithful, but I also know that humans have free will and the decision is up to the birth mom. There is nothing we can do but wait it out. While we wait, though, we will continue to pour out love on this precious baby. We are going to embrace the time that God has given with him. If nothing else, we can leave knowing that the first three days of this little guy's life weren't spent in a lonely nursery...they were spent in the arms of two people who were committed to showing God's love to him.

Update

Thursday night at 9:58, a miracle was born. Since then, Seth and I have been thrown back onto the rollercoaster ride of emotions that comes with the 72-hour wait after the baby is born. This experience has already been completely different than our experience with Brayden. Since this is a closed adoption, we had to wait to come to the hospital until after the birth mom signed a temporary custody release for the agency. Saying it was hard to wait to see the precious little guy seems like such an understatement, but we survived! Since then, we have been able to spend most of the time with him. There have been some stressful moments here and there, though. Most of the stress has come from a change in plans. Initially, the birth mom didn’t want to see the baby at all, but changed her mind last night. Times away from him are becoming increasingly difficult as our minds are filled with unsettling questions. A huge part of me is thankful that she has decided to meet him. I truly believe that if she decides to place, meeting him will be more healing than the alternative. The problem is that there is a small part of me (that sometimes doesn’t seem so small!) that is very uncomfortable with the impact that meeting him can have on her decision. This in turn makes me feel selfish. It is sometimes hard for me to remember that we actually have it pretty easy compared to the weight of the decision that the birth mom is carrying with her. Please join us in keep praying for her and for this precious little guy!

To close, I really don’t have much more to report at this point. My mind is pretty tired and I am having trouble putting thoughts together in a way that makes sense to all of you! I forgot how many emotions an adoption can make you feel all at one time…love, excitement, and hope coupled with a wall of defensive fear. Thanks to all of you who are praying. Through all of the emotions, thoughts, and questions, God is setting an undertone of peace through the words of a favorite song that keep running through my mind…

“Let the Waters Rise”
By
MikesChair

Don’t know where to begin,
It’s like my world’s caving in,
And I try but I can’t control my fear,
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it’s so hard to pray,
When you feel so far away.
But, I am willing to go where you want me to.
God, I trust you.

There’s a raging sea,
Right in front of me.
Wants to pull me in,
Bring me to my knees.
So let the waters rise,
If you want them to.
I will follow you.
I will follow you.

I will swim in the deep,
‘Cuz you’ll be next to me,
You’re in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea.
You’re never out of reach.

God, you know where I’ve been.
You were there with me then.
You were faithful before,
You’ll be faithful again.
I’m holding your hand.

God your love is enough.
You will pull me through.
I’m holding onto you.
God your love is enough,
I will follow you.
I will follow you.

Waiting, Chapter 2

Several weeks ago, we were again matched with a birth mom. My emotions since then can best be described as a mixture of hope, fear, and love. My first emotion after the phone call was restored hope. To be honest, I was starting to fear that God may not have another child for us. This was frustrating because even though we were beyond blessed with the adoption of Brayden, I just didn’t feel like our family was complete yet. As a result, hearing that God had found us another little one was beyond exciting. I’m pretty sure that nothing could have wiped the smile off my face that day! Initially, I had decided that I was just going to be excited about this possibility and deal with the pain of a disrupted placement if the time came. This actually worked well…for awhile anyway. I excitedly bought clothes, baby supplies, organized the nursery, and started planning for a long-term substitute. This all kept me busy and thus kept my mind occupied. However, now I am ready, which means that I have time to think. Slowly, the fear is creeping in as we wait for the phone call that the birth mom is in labor. The feelings from our last failed adoption are coming back and bringing unnerving questions along with them. What if the birth mom changes her mind? What if we have to go through this all over again? Can I handle losing another little one? Obviously, I don’t have the answers to these questions yet. My only option is to wait it out, but thankfully I don’t have to wait alone. I am finding peace in the fact that God is with us and will continue to guide our family on our adoption journey. As hard as this all may be, I know that God will continue to provide the patience, wisdom, and understanding that we need. I also trust that He is preparing our family for another little one and that in His perfect timing, we will finally meet. The final emotion that I mentioned above is the one that is making the wait more bearable. It seems that the longer we wait, the more my love for our future child grows. One of my initial fears with adoption was that the absence of a child growing in me would result in an absence of the motherly love and instincts that tend to grow right along with a baby. This fear was diminished when we adopted Brayden and I found that my love for him was just as strong as if I had carried him for nine months. In addition, along with that love came a deep sense of appreciation for the gift of motherhood…a gift that many easily and understandably take for granted.

To close, I am sure that I will continue carrying this mixture of emotions with me as I await our new blessing. Until the time to meet comes, though, I am finding peace in knowing that our little one is safe in arms of Jesus. Hold on, precious…mommy, daddy, and Brayden are counting down the days until we can hold you and show you how much we love you!

Tonight, we received news that the little girl we were selected to adopt is staying with her birth mommy. In all honesty, I am not sure how to feel right now. There are so many emotions that are fighting each other, along with a really loud, annoying voice telling me to suck it up. Thankfully, this year God has brought people into my life that have been teaching me that it is okay to experience emotions. I have come to realize that when I don’t take the time to experience my emotions, they come back later much uglier and often hurt the people I love. Despite this realization, though, I continue to struggle with working through my emotions. Why does it seem easier to brush them off? The only answer that I can come up with is simply other people. I don’t want to come across as an overly dramatic, pessimistic person. I would rather wear the mask of the strong Christian who never doubts God or His plans for me. Tonight, however, I am going to fight that voice that is telling me to shove and I am going to do what is the most healing for me-write through my emotions. So, here goes.

Right now, I am...
Angry-This is the scariest emotion because I feel so guilty being angry with God. The truth is, though, that I am mad and that He can handle that. I am most upset that God brought a potential adoption into our lives that just happened to fall on the same due date as my sister and sister-in-law. As dangerous as I knew this thinking was, I honestly thought that it was meant to be just because of that! Three little girls due on the same day in the same family? That just had to be a God thing! However, I am now feeling like it was just a cruel coincidence.
Scared-I don’t want to go through this again. To put it bluntly, the past week has been AWFUL! Patience is a virtue that I ran out of on Tuesdayish. It has been so hard to have our lives in limbo…preparing for a new little one while simultaneously guarding my heart against the knowledge that it could all fall through. The thought of doing this again (and possibly again and again) is enough to make me feel ill right now.
Jealous-yes, that ugly j word! This week, I had the joy of experiencing the birth of my niece and am looking forward to the birth of Becca’s little miracle as well. As I watched the joyful aftermath of Bella’s birth in the waiting room, though, I did have some pain creeping in. I saw for the first time how having a baby is supposed to be. I realized that the knowledge that the child that has been born is all yours and that you will be taking it home 2 to 3 days later is something that we will never experience. The hospital will never be a joyful experience for us. Instead, it was and will be overwhelmingly stressful.
Guilty-I know that as hard as this has been for me, it has been ten times harder for the birth mom. I can’t even imagine the amount of stress and pain she has been experiencing the past 9 months. (Please continue to pray for her and her precious little one.) Because of this, I don’t feel like I even have a right to be upset.
Hopeful-Finally, in the midst of all of this pain, I do feel an undercurrent of peace and hope. It is a small undercurrent, but it is there. I still trust that God has a little one in mind for us and understand that we just aren’t ready for each other yet.

So, there they are…all of the emotions that I am experiencing right now. Along with these emotions is that voice of rationalization that is telling me that everything is going to be okay, that this just wasn’t meant to be, that we will have another little one someday, that I am being too dramatic about this, and that I was foolish for letting myself get excited in the first place. As important as I know that voice probably is, I am thinking that for tonight I am going to tell it to shut-up. Instead, I am going to go kiss my precious little boy and then, I am going to let myself cry.